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I don't know where else to go and I don't want anyone to know about this. A few years ago my son told me how he had been sexually abused by a family friend for about two years. When he told me he was in his in his late teens and the abuse had happened from 10-12 years old. He did not go into details, which honestly I would not have wanted to hear. He just just basically this person made him his bitch. He didn't want me to tell anyone for it's not mine to tell, but his story.
I've always had a hard time expressing how I feel, I bottle things up till they explode. My son left the states about two years ago to go back to the islands. You know as a mother, you are the strength of your children and there is no time for self pity. I think that's when I was able to finally just fall apart emotionally.
The past few months, the reels playback, you know the thoughts that wander and make you wonder how did it start, what happened, how did no one know and so on. All those questions and thoughts and images running through my head. Imagining what my son went through and what he was made to do. It just runs wild in my head, there isn't a day I don't think about it. I've been trying to find support groups or maybe a counselor to help me deal with this.
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I noticed this has been here for awhile, and you must need a reply. I don't feel there are any words to string together that will make it okay. I know you're hurting. And I know you're blaming yourself. But please don't. If you read deep enough on this site, you'll see you are not alone...even though you feel so alone bearing the burden of this terrible secret. I will pray for your strength and healing. I don't want to seem at at harsh or insensitive, but you have to start letting it go. Forgive the false friend. Forgive yourself. What's done is done, and it can't be changed. Trust that everyone involved will get what they need and deserve. My heart truly goes out to you, Mama. ❤
ReplyThank you, I love how you said to start letting it to. I live my life with "let go and let God" but this I hold onto I guess because there's nothing I can do about it. I can't hurt the person responsible, although I wish I could. I'm way out here while he is on the islands. But, you are right I need to let it go.
Replyi can relate to this because my friend just told me about something her dad did to her. I always thought her father was a nice person, turns out he wasnt. I know you're hurting, I know youre screaming at yourself for not protecting your child, I know it hurts but I promise you you are not alone even though you feel so lonely. for the sake of your child tell yourself you will be strong for him. and remember that you are human. you are allowed to break down. you are allowed to cry.
ReplyThank you for your kind words and for understanding how I feel. I think that is the thing too is that I haven't given myself the chance to break down and just let it out and cry. I've just been holding onto it and was trying not to break down in front of my son while he was here and now that he isn't it has just festered inside and I need to let it out.
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