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It is currently 4/29/21 I am now 13 and writing this unsent letter. I was taken away from my mother when I was 3. I loved my mother, but she was acholic and had problems. My father just didn't want to take care of me and my siblings. It would have been a dream to be taken away and be put into a better home and see my cousins, but it turned into a nightmare. I wasn't saved...I was stolen and put into an abusive household. She told me she loved me. She told me she wanted the best of me. She told me she didn't want me to end up like my mom. However, she wasn't helping me. She was emotionally manipulating me and trying to justify the things she did for me was love when really it was abuse hidden in plain sight. I needed help. I had to escape, but I was trapped and I'm still am. The nice clothes and the things I have to surround me make me second guess if really she does love me and is just doing this for my own good, but the next day I´m crying in my bed with slap marks and pain. I attempted to kill myself because of it. I tried to overdose and I was pretty close to it, but just threw up and got really high. Just one more...just one more pill and I was sure enough to die, but I didn't take the pill. This was recent. You broke me. You tried to change me. You have constantly tried to compare me to people in other states who are smarter than me. I didn't ask to be born. If there was a switch that can make me go extinct I would switch it in a heartbeat. If I was to hesitate then it would be because of my friends. Not you, but for the people who care for me and who I care for back. I love my friends more than you. They help and relieve stress when you just cause them. The loved one you abused is still here. I am 13 years old and have suicidal thoughts. Are you happy?
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It doesn't matter what they do to you. You have the strength of thousands of generations of human efforts burning in your dna. Like the fire if an inner flame. Keep that flame burning within, young one. And never let the adults get you to put it out for them. (That's the abusers whole game you see, they can't do it by themselves. So the have to get you to do it for them. But they always forget that you have the power to rekindle it as well. That's really hard though. Best avoid it as a backup plan if possible).
Survive and you can heal. Heal and you can thrive. Thrive and then you'll get to a point where you have the power to stop this from happening to others. But don't focus on that yet.
For all things there is a time and a place. And rarely is there a better time and place for being selfish than during abuse.
(Protip: tell yourself good things every night when you go to sleep. Make sure you just keep trying even if you stop. I understand. It can be hard. But if you get every single night down, start on doing it every morning too. And remember to always think of even better things to say than last time.)
However it is good to become kind again when you are not facing abuse.
Balance is the key to not falling off the tightrope.
Good luck.
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