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So let me tell you what the day looks like, trigger warning suicide
Following from my last post, so on the day I finally decide to do this I'll wake up, grab a cup of coffee. I like the new cinnabon sweetener I got so I'll have a cup with some of that. Maybe make myself a bowl of cereal, cinnamon toast crunch. If you can't tell, I like cinnamon.
After that, I catch the bus up to Walmart and go pick up a little hunting knife and a pair of scissors so I can cut it open. Maybe I'll grab a few drinks, a backpack and maybe like some sweets like a small pie and some single servings of cake and what not. I like cheesecake so I'll probably get a couple of those.
As for drinks, I think I'm gonna go with something with blueberry flavor. I love blueberries. Maybe something like a few code red mt dews and if I can find some red cream soda that would be nice.
I like sweets a lot! So i figure if I'm gonna die, might as well live it up. Kinda wish i could get a decent burger around here but all we've really got is fast food garbage.
But still, so I'm leaving Walmart, I've got all my stuff. Probably about a good $150 worth of stuff, knife and bag included. So first stop is a ballpark i used to go to when I'd visit my ex. It was about half a block from her house and I'd wait there for her grandparents to leave so i could sneak in and we would spend a few days together, since she rarely had to go downstairs. That's how we got pregnant after all.
I figure I'd probably spend a bit there at the ballpark, drink a few sodas and have some of my snacks and just kinda sit there, remembering the times we were together.
The first time we met and how I got lost trying to find where she lived. The first time she touched me, our first kiss, how it felt getting lost in her eyes, the first time we made love, stuff like that.
And of course, our son who I only got to meet one time because of her and all the moments I had to miss out on because she didn't really want me around after she gave birth. Super fun times.
Then from there it would be to a bridge I used to cross on my way walking to go see her. I walked over that bridge in all kinds if weather, usually around about 4am because it took me about 2 hours to reach her house and that gave me about 20 to 30 minutes before they would leave for the morning. So I'd smoke like 4 cigarettes because I couldn't smoke while I was there. But she was worth the 3 days of not being able to smoke. That's usually how long I'd stay with her.
So I get to the bridge and get out my knife and I guess I'd probably just stand in the road, so people would see me. I'm still kind of wondering why but I guess it is what it is.
When I think about the scene, I'm standing in the road and I've got the knife on my arm, a few cops demanding I put it down and I've got 3 options at this point.
I can either go ahead and drag that knife down my arm and hopefully bleed out before they can put a tourniquet on, or I can pretend to run at the cops and force them to shoot me. Or I can run to the ledge and jump, hoping to dive head first for best possible results.
Though I honestly don't think I could do the whole rush thing. I guess if that's what I end up doing then I'm sorry that I forced you to do this. Because you're probably reading this and I want you to know I don't blame you and I was never intent on hurting you.
Look, this had to end. I had to end this, if you've read through my posts you'll know why I had to do this. Every single day is pain to me and I just can't seem to ever do anything different from what I do.
I know this to be true, i don't need anyone to say i can be different or that i can change because i know i can't. This is the only real option left and for that i am sorry and i truly hope my death won't be a source of trauma to you but this has to be done.
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