What are you looking for?
1 week ago · · suicide attempt,
I keep holding myself back from doing things. All I can keep thinking is that I'll probably just kill myself soon anyway. I don't get any of my university work done because I don't see the point if I'm going to die before I graduate. I'm convinced that I'll kill myself soon so there's no need for me to do anything. No need for me to try to work hard when it'll just be waisted.
I once swallowed way more than enough paracetamol to kill myself. If I hadn't thrown it all up I probably would have died. I once tried to slit my wrist but gave up quickly because I knew I couldn't get into the vain. I once tried to hand myself with a wire from a PS3 out of the bathroom window. Someone came home before I could do it and her rooms window can see the bathroom window so I gave up. I tried again to hang myself next time I was alone. It was hard to climb out of the window onto the ledge and by the time I had I chickened out.
I gave up for a while. I thought I wouldn't be able to do it. Then I had a university lecture where I found out you can overdose on iron. Next day I ordered a tub of 60 iron tablets. I haven't took them yet but I'm a ticking time bomb.
I just can't deal with my feelings anymore. I can't deal with living, with working, with waking up. I can't deal with my health issues. I can't deal with all the fear I have. I can't deal with being alive. I want to die. I want to die so bad. I just want to be gone. Numb the pain. Reverse my existence. Stop it all.
I want to die.