I am Muslim and human too

I have an abusive father and he does some questionable, sexist, disgusting and derogatory acts and sometimes comments with that type of connotation. I don't say anything to people because if I did then they would just put THAT stereotype on me and I'm not interested in fulfilling that. I am one of the girls that are being mentally abused. I am not an example for the majority so please don't look at me or any other Muslim girl like that. To be short, some have good parents some do not just like any other demographic.

I was born into Islam and when I reached the age of about 9 or 10 I questioned the existence of God and asked my mom in an analogy form. I said "My friend doubts that there is a God" and her reaction was " What do you mean? How could she not believe there is one?" and I just said that I didn't know. I had just pushed it back to the back of my mind and ignored it till quarantine came up. Recently it's been harder and harder to cover up and ignore because I have more time on my hands and I'm a very observant person so I notice everything that I do and deduct conclusions based on them. I talked to an old classmate about it and he said that he had felt the same too and that he didn't want to follow something just because his parents said. So he started researching it and he still is a Muslim today. He also said, when I had asked, that everyone goes through this phase. And I thought about it, it makes sense. I mean You do something because mom and dad said so, so it's normal when you grow up, hit puberty, and start thinking for yourself to think about everything. I don't know let me know in the comments what you think.

I want to start researching but here is my dilemma. I am afraid of upsetting the very God I am doubtful exists and simultaneously scared of not being sure of my belief 100%. I know its weird.

I live in a country where, because I wear the hijab I get asked questions quite often and I don't always know the answer to anyway. That added with this kid constantly asking me questions about Islam while I'm in my "should I research or should I not" and "Oh God does God even exist" phases are not a good combo. I can't breathe without being asked a billion questions. I will answer if I know the answer but don't expect me to be a scholar.

Back to my abusive dad. He physically abused my siblings but only mentally abused me and sometimes my siblings say stuff like "Well she acts like that because she hasnt been hit before" which, what the hell. really? who says that? And also once her 4 year old son hit me because.....kids. And I playfully hit him back because that just what him and I do...It's just playful. Anyway he was not in a good mood that day and I lightly hit him back and he started crying like there was tmrw and she said "Maybe she hits people because she hasn't been hit" and "Do that to your own kids not other people's kids" anyway, that hit a nerve like why would she say that.

1.It's not my fault your son is overdramatic

2.get a grip what is wrong with you

I dont know how to explain it but I felt like trash

My dad when stuff doesn't go his way says "I swear I'll hit you" And I dont know how to explain how that effects me but I feel really trashy is the best way to put it.

And you may be asking well where's the mom? Well she passed away a little over a year ago. She was abused too but in our culture when stuff like this happens the wife shuts up and deals with it.

Anyway, thank you for reading :)