What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
I wanted to be clear from the beginning, i have issues way before this incident but i think when this happened it brought up a lot of things that i thought I was over or never was there to begin with.
Couple months ago i was ghosted by a friend, i considered her a close friend and she was also my roommate, we used to do everything together we were so close or so i thought, we go grocery shopping, we go for walks we plan our weekends together, we talked about pretty much everything and anything. she started to pull away, bit by bit we start doing less i could feel the shift of her energy towards me, i thought maybe she was going through something, knowing her, i gave her some space to be comfortable and she would finally come to me and start talking if she had something going on, i noticed that she's talkative and cheerful with everyone, she was only distant when we're home together, around other people we were fine, and it got me so confused for a while. I thought it's just a phase and we'll ride it out, things will get back to normal soon.
Things didn't! And I was so uncomfortable in my own house, i hated going back to it after a long day of work. Everything I did was irritating to her, even though my habits haven't changed, so I've decided to start looking for rent elsewhere, meanwhile I spent my whole evenings in my room and she did the same, my anxiety flared up and depression started creeping up on me, i look around me for close friends to talk to, people are busy with their lives.
later that week she said to me abruptly that i need to move out "so we can be more comfortable" i agreed and continued about my day , i didn't ask for an explanation, i thought maybe she wanted to live alone with her boyfriend, she has every right , i thought this would be a good thing for us maybe a little time apart could fix things and get back as we were before. that didn't happen!
meanwhile my mind is racing with thoughts, maybe I did something wrong and i was beating myself up to find out what it is, the feeling of guilt and shame was killing me, in my head "it must've been me" for sure and after a while it got worse i started questioning who I am and that i wasn't good enough even for my closest friend, i had this feeling she wanted to upgrade her life and i didn't make the cut.
I was anxious, depressed, my self-esteem was at it's lowest, drinking everyday just to numb the pain (I've never experienced that amount of pain in my life ! it was like a sharp knife going up and down my chest) i was a mess!! I had to rethink everything, my views on life on relationships, my perspective, how i handle things, "where the hell do I begin?"
you might think to yourself "that's a bit too much of a reaction to a friend ghosting you, yes it's painful and sad but it's not going to bring you to your breaking point"
and my answer to that is you're absolutely right but this event was a breaking point to a long overdue breakdown.
I reached a certain point of my life that i needed to make a big change inside of me (it was spring cleaning)
I never thought I was a self absorbed person(i called it self check ) or a people pleaser (i called it being nice) or avoiding conflict (being agreeable) being stubborn and set in my ways(keeping your true colors) and the list goes on.... as i stepped back and saw things how they really were and the damage i was inflicting unknowingly to myself, i was oozing negativity no wonder people didn't want to be around me anymore.
so I made a list : what makes me better, happy and ahead in life, and what did not.
i started saying things I've never thought I would say : "i want to be happy"
"i want to have a positive outlook on life"
"i don't want to be depressed anymore"
"i want to know how to handle my anxiety"
change takes time and a lot of hard work, i always find myself going back to my old habits and i have to be conscious about it and pull back until one day hopefully i break the bad habits and create more positive ones, I'm trying to be completely independent and I'm not talking financially, i am/was emotionally dependant on friends, so I'm trying to be on my own doing me, and learn how to set boundaries for myself and other (people pleasing) and being open to trying new things and learning new things.
and regarding my ex-friend as i call her, I've tried to reach out to her after i started improving, in order to have a conversation, my goal wasn't to be friends again honestly, i just wanted us to be open and honest towards each other wherever that takes us, but she declined with an excuse and I got the message.
some how i couldn't shake the feeling that i needed a closer (old habits) to come and think of it, pushing me away was more about her than me, i just wished she came and talked to be me about whatever was bothering her from my part rather than building resentment over time and finally push me away. she was a great friend and person and that's what made losing her a bit hard for me, but the bottom line is, i have to work on myself, stand strong on my own, be open to new experiences, and trying to be positive.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
I want to get better
I don’t know how to explain it. I really want to do something in my life. To start I have to lose weight but every time I want to workout or eat healthy I don...
-
How to move on
How can you move on? How can you move on from something so beautiful that could have been but never will be? How do you tell someone you love them, that the...