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I am stupid. People always say I'm not, but I am. You ever watch those shows about serial killers, or psychopaths, and wonder "Man, how could they kill {family member/friend} and not care". I understand it. I just had a fight with my dad, and I've realized I'm so egocentric, that I always butt myself into conversations, just to feel right, or lie about things online, just to get validation about things that never happened to me. I always look for dopamine, and I truly don't know if I love my family, or if its just a mask I wear so often, I don't know what's my face anymore. I have a girlfriend, and she's put me in my place, but the whole dopamine thing again. She won't talk to me for days on end, and I get so paranoid that I said something wrong, or did something, and she'll just pop back up, and say I did nothing. We go to school together, if that helps, I guess. I though about suicide for a while. I know people love me, and I understand it. But I know ill just make them unhappy, or lie, or manipulate them for just a drop of happiness. I also jack off too much. Without fail, I always end up at 4chan, every night, and have at it, then afterward, I feel like I've killed someone. During the middle of the day, I just get pits on my stomach, like I can feel a void in my gut, just by thinking about how fucked I am. I'm probably just being overdramatic, and just need to shape up my life, but I use humor to mask pain too, so, just another surgically implanted mask, I guess.
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hey friend...i think you went through alot...but when you think of suicide ...then you are thinking shit..
you were born to do something. .because if you wanted to end ur life..god would have granted this wish in past when you were in ur mother's womb..but you still fought to come in this world ..you cried but accepted the world slowly and your parents made every effort to provide you strength...
and it happens when you want to run away from ur family and want to be alone...but i must tell you..it is the devil inside you who is provoking you...why are you accepting the defeat from that devil..i know you are capable of doing much more
and if u think you are not able to adjust with others
then my friend
OTHERS ARE ALSO ADJUSTING LIKE YOU..GIVE THEM THE RESPECT AND LOVE THAT YOU WANT FROM THEM ...
BECAUSE EVERYTHING RECIPROCRATE..!
be safe and happy
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