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I got the "second" part of the sex talk today and my sexual habits don't fit my parent's views
2 years ago · 4 · Advice, +5 · Explicit
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Note: this is somewhat explicit and I talk about sex, porn, and masturbation.
My parents gave me the more advanced version of the sex talk today. I already had formed opinions about sex, pornography, and relationships, but I'm trying to figure out where my parents views fit into this.
(for context, I am a fifteen year old nonbinary person with a female anatomy. I'm asexual, a virgin, and secretly an atheist as well.)
My parents are strict on porn. There's to be none of it.
However, I don't feel the same. I have looked at porn before and being ace, it's the only way to masturbate. If I want to feel good, I normally need it to get turned on (note: this isn't the case for all asexuals).
I don't really like the standard form of pornos though and I don't watch videos. Most of the time I prefer writing because it's more detached, but sometimes I use art or whatever I find on reddit.
One of my parents big things is that we don't view porn because it could be made without consent or the people may have been manipulated or taken advantage of.
I agree with this, which is one of the reasons I am so specific about the porn I consume. Erotic writing and art are made with the consent of the creator and other than people stealing the work or it being made about a real person, you know that all parties involved are consenting. With the reddit porn, I only look at stuff that is original content, stuff people are sharing of themselves by themselves with consent and without any manipulation.
My parents also say that pornography is bad because it can affect your health. They were talking about how it can give bad images to people of what they're supposed to look like. I don't deny that this is true. It's a totally valid concern! It's just that for me personally, it's not an issue. The media I view is more diverse and actually helps me to feel more confident in my body. By choosing stuff that isn't your standard heterosexual porno, I read about and see many body types and looks. Also, I don't feel a lot of pressure to look "sexy" because I really don't want sex with other people.
They also warned about pornography addiction, which is, again, a real issue. It's just that I've already addressed this personally. When making my initial decision whether or not to view porn, I thought about this a lot. I decided that would be good if I made sure to monitor myself. Generally speaking, I have a pretty low libido and I don't masturbate a lot. However, I still did research beforehand about proper sexual health when it comes to masturbating and I looked into how much is too much and whatnot. I feel like I've handled this possibility well and that I could continue to do so in the future.
One of the other health things they addressed was sex before marriage. They said that while sex before marriage is theoretically okay, you have to be willing to accidentally have a baby with your partner. This is obviously not advice directly targeted at an asexual person who does not need sex in a relationship. I don't know if I ever want to get married because I'd rather that I set boundaries with my partner (or partners, I'm open to consensual non-monogamy!) rather than conform to the ones written for marriage. I don't need to have sex with someone and I definitely don't plan to do it while I'm a teenager or very young adult because yeah, teen pregnancy.
But what if at some point I do want to try it out for pleasure? Aren't there a lot of things that you can do that don't risk pregnancy? I just feel like my parents aren't as familiar with the different pieces of human sexuality as they think they are.
And I think I made the right choice disobeying them. While they had a lot of really great concerns and warnings, I know myself and my sexual habits. I feel like that by exposing myself to sex and porn in moderate amounts that I feel safer with my sexual knowledge and health. School sex ed isn't great! I actually worried more about the way my sexual organs look BEFORE I viewed porn because I was able to do research and look at my own body without any stigma or taboos.
I've been masturbating for a long time. I accidentally started doing it when I was about ten; I figured out certain things made you feel good. However, no one talked about sex except for when they said that you have a special organs and they're used to make babies. I grew up confused and ashamed of my natural human sexuality until I decided to do more research and I figured out that it wasn't a bad thing and that lots of people do it.
I know I'm supposed to respect my parents and their views because they're older and they want the best for me, but I'm struggling to see eye to eye with them. I think that consensual porn, when viewed safely and responsibly, can be a good thing. I'm not ashamed of using it in a health way and I hold some more progressive views about how sex and relationships work than my parents and it's weird.
Do you have any advice for me? Is there anything I've missed or need to be aware about?
I'm also worried about keeping my personal sexual life secret from them. They don't know that I'm ace, that I masturbate, or that I view pornography. I want to hold different opinions than them, but not cause them worry because I'm being safe and healthy, which they may not understand...
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I don't really have alot of advice for this situation but I just wanted to say that you're not doing anything wrong. It's good to be educated on those types of things and I agree with all your opinions. It's fine to have different views from your parents even though they might not understand atm.
ReplyThank you! I worry about my judgement because as a teen you're taught that you're going to make stupid hormonal choices and whatnot. I was kinda worried that I was wrong or something, but I really feel that I have a healthy opinion that I can support just as well as anyone else.
I don't want to be a know it all, but I do know something and it's important to me.
ReplyI think as a parent every person would tell you the same things that your parents told you ..
And from what you have written I am convinced that you know how your limits as in till what extent it is healthy for you .. Just make sure of not getting addicted to it and since you have done your research on it I am pretty sure that you are aware about all the things .. And about the thing that your parents don't know about you masturbating ,watching porn or even being a ace is not a big deal so no need to worry about it ... Just make sure of not getting too much into it ..
And as for your thoughts being different on such topics as compared to your parents you don't need to worry about it too .. You are just 15 ryt now so as you'll grow up they will eventually start giving more values to your thoughts and opinions too so just save all that stuff for later .
ReplyMy parents are also very against porn, sex outside of marriage, sex work, and (probably, we haven't talked about it though) masturbation. I tend to just masturbate in the shower every once in a while and don't talk about it with anyone. I read smut occasionally. I think just avoiding the topic with them would be the best option. You each have your own opinions, and talking about it will most likely end up in a big fight.
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