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I’m sad but not depressed, I want a hug but I don’t like being touched, I wanna bottle it up but I want to talk about it, I wanna be with people but I want to be alone. I don’t even know anymore. I feel so conflicted about everything. I want this, I want that and when I get it I feel happy but as fast as the happiness arrives it goes away even faster. Whatever anyone says it doesn’t even make me feel better. I’ve recently started listening to this song called Nobody and some of the lyrics are “And I don't want your pity I just want somebody near me. Guess I'm a coward. I just want to feel alright, and I know no one will save me. I'm just asking for a kiss. Give me one good movie kiss and I'll be alright.”. Out of all the songs I’ve listened to this is the closest one that describes what I’m feeling. All of these conflicting emotions make me so confused. Pair it with my deteriorating confidence. I just feel like everything is too much. I know that no one can help me. No matter what others say it doesn’t help. Say a thousand words and it still won’t help. Maybe I’m looking at a few specific words but even I don’t know what they are. I’m hanging onto a thread, one more moment and I’ll be falling down a hole so deep that no one can reach me. From the moment I swallowed those pills, I felt a sense of happiness? I couldn’t stop smiling. In a weird way, it made me feel okay for once. Maybe it was the thought of dying or the thought of people paying attention. My dad always tells me I’m his favorite and I always get attention, but I hate it. I love the attention but I absolutely hate it at the same time. I don’t even understand myself, how could anyone else possibly understand me. The thought of people crying because of me, maybe I just want to feel that they care about me. I feel so confused about everything. I’m scared, I’m confused, I feel worthless, I feel pathetic. It’s like a buy 1 take 3, the second I felt scared my brain just decided to give me 3 other things. I’m a 4 in 1 gal, take it or leave it. I just want somebody to understand. The closest people in my life don’t understand a single thing. I want to just shout and tell them how I feel but the second thing I hate most in this world is opening up, the first being a zombie apocalypse. It’s funny, millions of people on Earth worry about what to eat the next day and I’m here crying because of what? Attention issues? Insecurity? But at the same time, I just don’t care. Will me being happy magically save their problems? No, it won’t. So I’m just here wallowing in sadness while people around the world die from hunger. I’m sitting here writing a useless essay instead of doing homework but at this point, I don’t even care. I have to let it out one way or another. I just feel like my cup is overflowing, unless I don’t let it out it’ll just overflow until someone drowns, and that someone in this case is me. I feel like I’m trapped in a room filled with water right below my neck and with each waking second a drop of water falls down on me joining the water already there until it gradually starts to drown me. Writing this feels like I’ve punctured a hole in that room allowing the water to flow out, but as always someone will fix that hole and the process repeats itself until I drown again and again until I can’t take it anymore and just let myself drown, peacefully letting the water take me and kill me. Honestly, this is the most dramatic thing I’ve written in the past few years. Even more dramatic than my cringy Wattpad stories I made when I was in my Wattpad phase. Maybe that’s what this is, a phase. Maybe if I just leave it alone it’ll just leave me alone too. Maybe if I close my eyes this will all go away. Magically repairing everything.
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