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I hate that I feel this way inside each and every day . My mind spinning , with new thoughts of how I could be stabbed in the back , taken down a painful memory lane . I wish you’d quiet down , stop making my brain go in circles and circles of emotion . I want to fully explain the angst of it , that I find ways to think of the things most painful . That I picture her and him , why’d he introduce this feeling that I’m not the only one . That I wasn’t the only person who’d take priority , it has me messed up . Analysing every nook and cranny trying to avoid that emptying pain inside . I’m stuck in this circle of imagining it all , standing from the outside looking in .
I wonder if that ‘friendship ‘ was worth my pain , did I deserve to grow a garden of ever-growing feelings of anxiety ?
I used to trust you with my whole mind and heart , knowing deeply that he’d take me into account but he didn’t . He didn’t . I wasn’t the face he pictured when he spoke to her , he didn’t think of the crack in my voice or the void left behind by the shattered trust . Can I trust him again ? I want so badly to get over the pain but can’t seem to get over how much I don’t want it to happen again .
See I have anxiety , wrecked by a past of people constantly taking advantage of my weak spots , I’ve grown calloused and closed , my heart no longer yearns to open for the possibility that I might just drown again . What made her so special that despite the pain she caused me , he still chose her , time and time again .
I wonder if he’s ever gonna figure out
that somewhere in my heart , there’s a voice screaming that somehow I’ll see the same pain from him , just this time it’ll be worse . It’ll catch the breathe in my chest until I can’t breathe no longer .
I want to trust him fully again , to feel as though I’m the only one he’ll ever need but how do I feel that way when he’s drowning in a sea of his old fish , at every turn , an older flame waiting to be sparked .
I feel lost sometimes , like my anxiety swallows me whole .
But how do I get over an anxiety that he put there ?
These feelings made me feel numb , as though my emotions felt are crazy and from a place of neverland. I’m not crazy , yet when it’s time to look my own eyes in the mirror I cannot . My trust issues are so deeply engrained in me , with every footstep taken , I’m reminded that I could just trip and fall , fall into the embrace of love and forget all the inner turmoil . I can’t find the words to explain that , I don’t trust anyone . Getting to trust is hard and when that trust is stepped on or hurt , it takes years to undo that twisting of my emotional cords .
My entire life , I have felt as though I was different , as though something in me didn’t quite fit the puzzle like everyone else’s did . My mind constantly felt burdened by the idea that I wasn’t good enough , playing Barbies or falling in love , making friends and even social interactions felt tiring . I felt exhausted , I feel exhausted , thinking about each and every corner doesn’t mean the turn won’t yield surprises . I instinctively feel as though those surprises will contain something that will cause me deep pain , things that further my disbelief in trusting other than ones self .
I want to seek help but don’t know how to explain the feelings of ongoing traffic in my heart . I don’t know how to make someone else understand that everything inside me wants to run away from others and protect myself from feeling those feelings of pain again . I have closed myself off , cordoned the sensitive parts of myself so they don’t bleed . Turned my pain inward.
I wish I could say this out loud , express that I’m burdened by anxiety, but the anxiety makes that almost impossible . It powers my trust issues and insomnia , the spurts of depression and withdrawal . Even just the lingering thoughts .
To my forever .
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