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im so tired of living
4 weeks ago · · Stress, · Explicit
i was once a young girl who was ambitious and only did things she was good at. 3 years later i'm burnt out and i genuinely want to kill myself. I know, i know, don't do it you're family and friends will be devastated, you haven't lived you're only 16, yada yada yada. That's why i can't get myself to actually do it. The thought of my parents upset about my life hurts more than the action itself. I know this is all temporary and it will end soon but i feel like that ambitious girl is now just a fucking loser. Why? In all aspects of my life, I'm failing. In school, I am a relatively good student and my grades aren't the reason I'm failing. It's the fact that I'm always forgotten because I get too nervous to participate. I wish I didn't get anxious in class and I could voice my opinion and actually be an active part of conversation, but no, unfortunately, i can't seem to get out of that shell. In sports, when I once was getting good at pole vault I have hit a plateau. Everyone makes a plateau but I have been getting the same height for the past two months while everyone else around me is actually getting good. In band, I am actually the worst one there. I am not exaggerating. I am constantly reminded that I am the worst, and its not that I'm not trying for any of these things, I am! Its just i don't know what is happening that I am constantly just failing miserably. I just want to give up so bad, and I wish I had the heart to do so. I know its temporary but everything just sucks. On the contrary, I do have a boyfriend who is the best person on the planet and he makes living good besides everything else on the planet being terrible. The other day he comforted me while I cried and made me feel better and damn am i so glad to have him. and hes been worried about me and checking on me, and that's really sweet of him. however, i don't want to become dependant on him or anyone else because I shouldn't be like this. I want that ambitious girl back, not this depressed idiot.