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(edited because I forgot I had names)
Band friends hanging out together- talking together- having fun together: makes me feel lonely.
It’s because band is supposed to be my place. Marching band is my SAVING PLACE. Marching band and camp are the ONLY TWO THINGS I feel I look forward to.
If I ever feel lonely during band, if I ever have old familiar feelings creeping back during band- I worry, and I feel, but mostly I worry that all is lost. Because I only have camp for one week of the year. I have band for half of the year, and I’m supposed to have the people from band for the entire year. But I worry I can’t make connections. I chat, I joke, I talk, I laugh, I interact with people in band as I have to. I do that with everything. I put the bare minimum into relationships because I have to. Do I do that with band? I feel like it’s the one place in this STATE that I make connections.
It’s stupid, it’s stupid to get upset because a few people went to the movies. There is no reason I have to be in on every single social interaction. I never talk to them anyways. I feel that the only reason I want to talk with people is for selfish reasons. I want to communicate and build relationships with people purely because I am lonely. Is that true? Is that wrong? Isn’t that human? Is there truly any other way humans build relationships, other than for selfish reasons? If that’s not true, then I feel I am lost. Am I rationalizing, or am I logically reasoning?
Who do I talk with in marching band? During marching band I talk with ––. That’s it. That’s the only person in marching band I feel I’ve built a relationship with. God.
Out of marching band I never talk to ––. Damnit.
I feel lonely when I see people in marching band hanging out together because I am jealous. I want what they have. I can’t find it in my own life.
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I have never felt lonely and don't really know what it is. People should be happy when they have time alone. At least they don't have people around them.
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