What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
Triggers: Discussions of gender, dissociation, and semi-nudity (I sleep in underwear😆)
One moment, I'm asleep, the next I'm awake, but reluctantly so. Today it's not my alarm that gets me up, but the sunlight through the white curtains. I draw my quilt around my face before reaching down and grabbing my kindle from the floor.
When I slide the device under the blanket, I try to wipe off the smudges of condensation that come from leaving a glass covered object on the ground all night. Flicking the thing on, I check the time, then my email, smiling at a goodnight message from my best friend. I'd fallen asleep too early last night to send one back, so I open a new email and give her a good morning instead.
When I've finally wasted all of the hour I've given myself to get ready, I get out of bed, shivering in my underwear in the cold room. Outside my door, I can hear my family, all up and moving about. My brother pounds up and down the stairs arguing with my mother who is rooms away in a loud bellow. I can hear dad singing in the shower as well. I'm about to put on clothes and go join them, when my brother comes up the steps once more and this time, stops to open my door, already saying whatever he wants to tell me.
I yelp, my voice low and scratchy after a night of no use. "Ahh! Get out kid! Can't you knock?!"
My brother realises that I'm standing in my underwear, looks me in the eyes, and states, "You should put on some clothes." I grumble at him as he proceedes to continue with whatever thing he wanted to tell me, undeterred by my semi-nudity and general lack of interest in whatever video game, bad gun design, or weird dream he had and needed to share. I love him, but my brother has a lot of nerve to tell me to get dressed, considering he's the one breaking into my space and the fact that he's rarely wearing a shirt himself.
I wish I could just throw on some shorts and be good to go, but unfortunately, I'm a girl and I'm not also not a preteen with absolutely no regard for showing the whole world my pale stomach.
After my brother is ushered out, I turn to my dresser, a lovely yellow thing that fits with my white and turquoise walls and all of the pink accessories that I was given for birthdays and whatnot at age eight. I never had the heart to get rid of it and I've actually grown quite fond of all the bright colors and glitter that was owned by every little girl in the 2010's. My mom and brother make fun of me for it, teasing me about the fact that when I actually was eight, I hated all this stuff and dreaded receiving it from aunties and uncles who never took the time to get to know me past my name, gender, and age (AKA the criteria for giving impersonal birthday gifts). Then, I buried myself in hand me down skateboard brand shirts and pretending to hate pink because all the other girls at school loved it.
And I didn't want to be like the other girls. My brother laughs at that when I explain it, referencing the "not like the other girls" meme stereotypes. It wasn't like that though, more of me just not wanting to fit that mold all of us second grade girls were made in because I wasn't just a little kid who liked pink, barbies, and unicorn like everyone just assumed I should.
Now however, I blend all of those things, the pink frilled tops and flower print skirts laying right next to my dark flannels and, yes, ahand me down Tony Hawk sweater. The yellow dresser brings me joy, but so does everything inside it.
Some days.
I look in the mirror and try to decide what I'm feeling like today. Then, I choose a tank top with little panda cartoons, some beat up jeans, and a denim jacket. The outfit is super cute and right up my alley, but the moment I put it on, it just doesn't seem to fit quite right. The tank top is riding up higher than I would like and the jacket can't close over my bust.I stare at myself for a moment and then and a deep breath. I can't fix it. Maybe I could try something else, but I know deep down that nothing will look how I want it today. I decide to add some earrings and metallic lavender eyeliner before grabbing the pouch I keep two gold rings in.
I look at the bag, then the mirror, holding eye contact with my own reflection. The longer I look at myself, the more my brain takes apart my face until I can't recognize the person looking back at me. I break my gaze from her.
With another deep breath, I return my mind to the rings, finally deciding to wear both. The smaller goes onto my left pinky and the larger on my right ring finger.
There. I'm done. This is how I'll take on the world today.
I head downstairs to join the fray that is my family's morning routine. Dad has moved his singing to the kitchen now, making coffee while dodging my mom who is making oatmeal that is 50% water. My brother is arguing with her from the dining room while he packs his bag for school. Due to the pandemic, I'm only in school part time in person, and today I'm studying at home. Everyone else however, has to go to work or school or in my mom's case, attend meetings all day at our kitchen island.
As I walk in, I get lost looking out the back door, the plate glass sliding kind that gives a view into the unkempt yard. I feel myself drowning in the action, just looking, staring, out this door onto absolutely nothing I want to see. My hands go numb and I can't look away. Somehow, I feel taller for a moment, like I'm a few inches above where my feet are, floating out of my body.
Finally, I break the trance, looking around to remember where I am and bringing a finger to my lips. I look down and see my hands, but they don't feel like mine. I wiggle my fingers, almost laughing sadly out loud because of the odd sensation of disconnect.
Then, I remember that I'm standing in the kitchen, and I do in fact, have a life. I stop tuning out the sound and I'm back in the thick of things. Almost.
I make breakfast for myself, eating in a daze, and I wish everyone goodbye as they go to work or to drop my brother at at school. Then, I go upstairs to try and get some work done.
I really do try, but I'm distracted in minutes, doing who knows what. It's just so hard to focus. Even procrastinating is difficult, with my mind going a mile a minute, my leg jogging alongside. I "do work" for a few hours before getting up for lunch. Before the meal, I go to return my glasses to the dresser, checking my hair in the mirror. Then, I realize something, giving it a moment of thought. I look in the mirror, relieved to see that my reflection is a little more recognizable. I slip the gold ring off my finger and leave it with the glasses before going downstairs.
-This is a piece I wrote describing an average morning in my life. I am a fourteen year old kid living in a middle class American family.
As you might be able to tell from the story, I experience a lot of gender dysphoria and while I was born female, I don't identify that way. I'm living in the closet about being transgender. I am bigender genderfluid, meaning I fluctuate between male and nonbinary, and a combination of the two genders. I show this with the gold rings. The pinky ring signifies they/them pronouns and the ring finger one is he/him.
I describe my experience with gender and gender stereotypes that I had to deal with and learn to ignore as I grew older.
I also show my experience with what seems to be dissociation (though I have not been able to get that confirmed by a doctor due to the pandemic) and how it makes me feel even more disconnected from my own body.
I (and many other people) also suspect that I might have ADHADHD as well.
I just wanted to vent and show what life is like being someone like me. Hope you enjoyed!
-Nikki
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
[1]: did you even hear what i just said(no).
with my unheard voice I spit meaningless letters You're listening but not to me You can see me but you're not actually looking The though...
-
..
Dawn colored the sky. The blue-hued hill was screaming. And so, things happened without a matter of why....
lovely writing. very well done. i could almost imagine everything around me
Reply