What are you looking for?
i feel so lonely.. am i just edgy?
2 weeks ago · · Stress,
im in highschool and im rlly quiet and introverted. i only have a few close friends who arent in the same class as me, but i still hang out with them cause ive been friends with them since primary. and they have some other friends who they've been close friends with since primary too who hang out with us and are in the same class as them. i often find myself really bored when i hang out with them. they either talk about something i am not involved in like what they did in class or things i have no interest in. but yeah, they aren't that bad.. since i feel rlly lonely sometimes... i wanted a new friend group. during lockdown and online class, me and this dude from the same school and same year level started talking. how did we find each other? ive had him friended since the start of last year from our old school server. we texted each other every day during online class and i got so distracted that i had a lot of missing work bc of talking too much. he is mostly the one starting the convos btw. i really enjoyed being with him, he was a really fun and cool dude, and we texted for months but i didnt know who he was irl. and yeah, when we came back to school, i found out who he was and he found out who i was but we never talk to each other irl lol. anyway, i started developing feelings for him after maybe a few weeks of talking to him. and i still kind of do have a crush on him. i found him way more enjoyable than my own friends and i rlly liked him... but also last year, he got added into my discord server where all my friends were. and there he met my best friend who went to school with me in primary but moved when we moved into high school and yeah shes amazing if she still went to my school, i would be less lonely and be happier but anyways, he started to text her and stuff.. and then it became a normal thing. just like me and him. yeah, they became friends and crap. it kind of annoyed me and i felt jealous but yeah i ignored it but sometimes when they talked to me about each other i just didnt give a crap about what they said at all..i know hes not mine but i cant help feeling jealousy. anyways.. last year, it came to the point where i just couldn't handle it anymore because i couldn't stop being jealous so the only way for me to not be jealous is to just cut ties with that dude. yes, i stopped talking to him on New Year. i felt kind of bad, but it had to be done. i was selfish.. cause it seemed like he still tried talking to me, but i had to ignore him. and then we stopped talking for months this year, but it was so awkward for me at school to pass by him.. i think cutting ties with him kind of made me forget about him. during those months that we havent talked, he would still be talking to my best friend. 2 months ago i planned on apologizing to him but i didn't have the guts to do it but then a miracle happened on that same day and he was the one who texted me first. yes, i didn't unfriend/block him, i just ignored his texts. so yeah and then that was my chance to apologize but it turned out he wasn't angry or anything which made me a little shocked. and to this day.. we still talk to each other. but now it's really stupid because i have a crush on him again bruh. and he also still talks to her. im sorry if this whole thing sounds totally childish and ridiculous.. my best friend and i dont talk that much to each other in DMS. and whenever we do, its probably her talking about him, which i dont like. i like gatekeeping things. hes my favourite person to be with.. but of course he has to always be with her. i mean- they even have matching usernames... sometimes i think to myself.. "i was first.. why cant it be me" i really dont understand boys. we had things in common too... and yes, nobody knows i like him. listen, basically, i feel really lonely and i only feel jealousy of everything. i just hate being alone. i could never compete with my best friend tho, she's funnier, kinder and just better personality and better life, she's rich and has a lot of friends. and she's very, very talented. life is just unfair sometimes. that guy also asked why i stopped talking to him. ah, i just cant tell him. he probably doesn't like me back and he will start avoiding me. nothing will be the same anymore. he said that he would still act normal, but i don't believe him. i don't ever want to tell him my feelings. these days i find myself wanting a boyfriend that will care about me so i dont have to feel lonely. thats why. i know i should just focus on study yes yes, but i dont want to be lonely. (that was very long, sorry, i just had to let it out. thanks for reading...)