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I always feel like I'm at my worst points when I turn to this place, but, hah, things havent been the best for me lately. I hate venting to my friends more than anything and I espeically hate venting to one person in specific who I know would be super supportive If I wanted him too but,, I dont want to tell him my stupid silly problems.
Anyways, I just want to apologize in advance. This might be a little long, or super long. Its gonna have a lotof different topics and switch very fast from one to another. I might get too overwhelmed halfway through or not and honestly I might not even post it because part of me just feels bad venting anywhere.
I think I'm getting sad again..? I dont know how to explain it. Theres times where i get upset but overall i know I'm fine, but then theres times where it's just all, a continuous melancholy feel. It always tends to happen around this time of year I feel like I've noticed, and covids made things very hard for me. I dont have many... connections. at least, in the real world. I'm cooped up in my house with two people, I quite frankly, dont like, but have to love. I have friends, but, lately I've been just having the worst feeling about everything which always tends to creep in after a while. I feel like if I dont tall to them they wont want to be my friend. Or that after a while they start to talk about me behind my back. All of it, when I really stop to.think of it, I know is really not true, my mind just really likes to scare me with those thoughs. It gets so bad that it makes me anxious to talk to any of them and I dont know why? This hasnt ever happened before even though I've felt this bad before. I feel like I'm subconciously ignoring everybody right now and its getting to the point where my friends are dming me and lit saying they miss me </3
and,, god. I feel like a horirble person because one of my really good old online friends has been trying to dm me lately and I literally have no ide awhat to say so I just never respond. I dont qant him to feel like I dont like him? I'm just so anxious and sometimes it takes me hours to write a message to send, and most times I just push it off as long as I can because it's so stressful and I dont understand why. These people are all my friends and I enjoy talking to them but it's becoming so hard
I said I'd be moving through these topics fast,, but I'm just lit typing ehat comes to mind and makes me most upset. It seems to work. I'm really upset because i hate myself(?) I try not to mean that in the super edgy way, and I'm not suicidal or anything and my sh days are over. It's just, I wish I was something I wasnt. But I also dont know what I want to be. My personality makes me upset sometimes when I really sit down and pyschoanalyze myself. I'm really bad at communication and relrelstionships and honestly? I'm just like my mom. It's not like shes bad or anything, just, has bad habits.
Theres a person i really like. It's stupid and I feel like it's kinda just a crush that I'll never tell anyone about that I will kind of just. Experience. I guess I'm not really the romantic... idk. I feel like I dont like him and hes just my friend but then hell just casually flirt with me. I know jts thingd that just ffriends do tok anand I'm probably very much taking it the wrong way but it genuinely makes me happy,, it's been almost two years now and i still think I'llnever tell him 🙁 I realize I dont like to genuinely share my feelings a lot. Which is why I guess the only way I'll do it is under the anonymous title. Sometimes I'll get all paranoid that someone i know will find this and delete some of them.
I wish I would talk to my friends more. I think I was already talking about this but I dont know why i never join any calls anymore, or talk inthe groupchat. Everyones been into genshin, and I just really havent been able too. Plus, they all know eachother in person ( excludingthe one who has been my irl bestie since 4th grade ) and so I get extremely, just, sad, when I cant bethere. They're some of my favorite people ever though, and so funny, and nice to me. I dont know. I just feel so antisocialright now.
This might be the last thing I talk abt but,, food. Ugh. Hate this topic. I dont know if I'm on the like verge of developing an ed, or straight up I just have one, but I cannot eat when I am upset. It's really hard for me. Thered time where foods I love the mosteven feel repulsive to me and I just want to skipevery meal which probably isnt healthy. At least,, I have my momthere and she forces me to eat.
I think Ihave been typing toonlong. I dont need snyone to say anything or comfort me but I just needed to get it outthere. I'lcome back an readthis one day and laugh at myself
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That’s why I post somethings things to just revisit my anxiety written bouts and realize life gets better. Because it does
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