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This story chronicles family betrayal to a terrible degree. I have dedicated myself to a family for 20 years as of this writing. Upon meeting my wife, she had two children by two different fathers, a son, and a daughter. She lived in a home with rotten siding, foundation problems and a mold-ridden flooded garage due to a rusted through water heater. The garage also contained a car that would not run, and it was covered in animal feces. I understood the situation. She was a divorced mom of two doing the best she could with limited finances and poor credit. After marrying, we got the home problems fixed and gradually worked on improving the family situation.
My wife worked for a major telecommunications company and I taught school. Over the years, I earned my doctoral degree, we both became real estate agents, and we founded a successful real estate business while maintaining our full-time jobs. We upgraded to a four side brick home with 4000 square feet, and we were better off financially than we had ever been in our lives. Both children got married and went on to be successful on their own. We had a happy extended family.
However, there has always been some animosity between my stepdaughter and myself. I do not know where this comes from because she will not communicate with me in person beyond the typical, “drive-through,” exchanges of, “how are you,” and, “fine.” The first time I met her and her future husband, when my wife and I were dating, I caught them making fun of my shoes. You see, one of my dogs had chewed the top of my sneaker and I had no other shoes to wear to a family function. The two of them took pleasure in mocking me until they saw that I knew what they were doing. Oddly enough, I thought things were improving when my father performed the wedding ceremony between my stepdaughter and her husband but unfortunately, I was mistaken. Yes, I am a preacher's kid.
When our first grandchild came along, we noticed that my stepdaughter and her husband were spending a great deal of money on daycare. As is in my nature, I wanted to help. You see, I am a Christian and I believe we are to love each other and help when possible. I have also been a 25-year member of a civic organization charged with caring for widows, orphans, and children in medical need. Over the years, my wife and I have taken in and provided for my mother and brother, students in need, and my brother again when he was an adult. I once gave my brother a car when he was in need. Regarding the grandchildren, my wife and I decided to downsize our home so that she could retire from work and provide free daycare to our grandchildren. At times, I have taken extra jobs to make this possible.
To date, we have provided free daycare services for all three of our grandchildren and we gladly provided this service. We have three grandchildren ages five, seven and thirteen. The girls are five and seven, while the boy is thirteen. My stepson is the father of the five-year-old and my stepdaughter is the mother of the seven-year-old and thirteen-year-old. Over the years, my wife and I have been extremely involved. We have fed bottles, changed diapers, had sleepovers, and provided shuttle services back and forth to school. We also have attended every extracurricular activity of which we were aware. As you can imagine, we became extremely attached to our grandchildren and thought we had a loving extended family. We even started attending church together after an invitation from my stepdaughter. My stepdaughter was baptized and kissed me on the check afterward. I thought things were good. I heard a few complaints that we spoiled the kids too much but at the time, I thought that was part of my job as a loving grandfather.
Three years ago, my stepdaughter and her husband were struggling with wanting to build their dream home but could not afford to pay their current mortgage and build their dream home simultaneously. True to our nature, my wife and I allowed my stepdaughter, her husband and our two grandchildren to move in with us so that they could afford to build their dream home complete with a swimming pool. They lived with us for over a year. When Christmas approached, I even took an extra job to help make ends meet and ensure we had enough money for Christmas presents. Plus, it gave them time home alone without me present. They needed this time together. My stepdaughter has worked from home for years after having an affair with someone from work. She negotiated the ability to work from home with her company after this incident and before it became popular due to COVID-19. They needed time together as a family given, she was at the house all day.
My wife and I thought things were fine outside of the usual complaints of buying too many toys and happy meals. My stepdaughter did have some crazy rules though such as we were not allowed to watch any of the old Disney movies with the kids prior to my stepdaughter watching those movies with her kids. I lived with her crazy rules and still thought things were good. However, I should have known that problems existed when they moved out on my 50th birthday. I did not get to see the kids on that day. They could have at least given me a visit. Side note, the irony of my wife and I downsizing, then making possible the huge dream home of my stepdaughter is not lost on me.
We maintained close contact after they moved out. Their new home is less than half of a mile away and we can see the new home by looking out our front door. However, I did notice that the grandkids would come over less and they stayed shorter amounts of time. I thought things were still good when my stepdaughter missed the deadline for my grandson to apply to an elite school and I was asked to use my influence with the school system to have an exception made which, of course, I did. In November, I sent my stepdaughter a $200 gift card with a note saying, “I may not always know how to show it but, I love you.” She responded, “This is too much. I love you, too.” Christmas this past year was great. Everyone was happy.
I must pause here to state that my stepson, his wife, and our five-year-old granddaughter have always treated us well. Our five-year-old granddaughter is at our home almost every weekday. My wife picks her up from school and I get to spend a few hours with her before she gets picked up by her parents. I treasure our relationship with the three of them.
In January things changed suddenly with my stepdaughter. After all the things we have sacrificed, done, and made possible over the years, my wife and I were suddenly accused of being toxic grandparents. I, more specifically, have been scapegoated and blamed for every negative behavior that the grandchildren display. It has since come to light that their problem is with me, they only turned on my wife after she defended me. So, if I did not exist, they would not have a problem.
I started hearing secondhand of every slight or example of “overstepping” that my stepdaughter and her husband believed that I have been guilty of over the years. Unfortunately, they will not discuss this directly with me. I engage in tough conversations to solve problems every day on my job, but I cannot solve a problem when the party on the other side of the issue refuses to communicate with me. Neither my stepdaughter nor her husband have the communication skills needed to successfully discuss problems of this nature. My stepdaughter barely finished high school. My son-in-law has a degree in accounting, and he fits the personality type of an accountant who is more comfortable with numbers than with people.
One complaint, which I hear secondhand, disturbs me greatly. My stepdaughter and her husband have convinced themselves that I must have some nefarious ulterior motive for all the good things that I have done over the years. I realize that my stepdaughter and her husband have never experienced true unconditional love from a positive male role model prior to me entering their lives. This is evidenced by the fact that my son-in-law’s father once wanted to charge them $25 per hour to watch the grandkids. This is also evidenced by the fact that stepdaughter’s biological father is a convicted felon and a drug addict who disappears from her life and resurfaces at random.
As of this writing, it has been five months since I have seen my grandchildren who were once a daily part of my life and who live less than half a mile away. Where is the respect for the things we have done and made possible? Where is the benefit of the doubt that we have earned? Where is the innocent until proven guilty that we are guaranteed? Oddly enough, I have college savings accounts with monthly contributions for each grandchild. Where are the complaints or thanks for those? Are college funds also overstepping?
I cannot solve this problem alone. My granddaughter used to complain to me that she was forced to play alone in her room. She complained that neither of her parents would play with her. I am concerned for my grandchildren. I fear that something is happening in the home that my stepdaughter and her husband are hiding. I realize that they both consume alcohol regularly which could have reached problematic levels. Also, my stepdaughter is prone to unfaithfulness. This is the only plausible reason that I can think of for the sudden turn against my wife and me.
I cannot discuss this with my grandchildren now, but I can when they get old enough to have minds of their own. When that day comes, my grandchildren will know exactly why our relationship was suddenly severed and why. The burden of the resulting anger will be on the parents to bear. These parents are being extremely short sighted. They are teaching their children that it is okay to treat the closest people in their lives this way. Plus, the parents are making it allowable for their kids to shun them in this manner in the future. I will be waiting for that day to arrive. The parents will have to accept responsibility for this abuse.
I have done the right things. I have prayed. I constantly seek God’s guidance in the matter. I have tried to communicate with them individually. My wife has tried to communicate with them. We have had two separate neutral third parties communicate with them. I have brought the issue to our church pastor with no results. None of this has worked. I do not know what to do at this point.
However, evil cannot hide when brought into the light. I am not alone in facing a problem of this type. Stories of this nature have increased in frequency with the continued degradation of societal moral fiber through the passage of time and subsequent generations. This represents a new pandemic impacting families worldwide with similar stories of older generations falling victim to younger generations in what amounts to elder abuse and child abuse given the lack of recourse available to victims. Canada has recognized the problem and has enacted laws to give victims of this abuse some type of recourse. In the absence of immoral or illegal behavior, grandparents and grandchildren should never be denied access to each other.
Do you have any advice?
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ReplyWow, this is painful to read. My heart truly goes out to you and your wife. It sounds like you really love your wife and did your very best to make her family your family. Something is really wrong with your stepdaughter, and it sounds like there has been for a long time. I WISH I had someone like that in my life to come save the day whenever needed. Some people just have no idea what they have until it's gone. I wish I had some sage advice for you that could save your day, but I don't.
Part of me feels like she resents you BECAUSE you're such a kind, compassionate, giving person. Which makes no sense, I know. But, there was some heavy damage done to her psyche before you entered the picture, and it just seems like she takes it out on you. She truly does not trust you, because she doesn't understand your way. Whatever happened to her made her suspicious that pure hearts and goodness can't exist in others, because she's not experiencing it for herself. So everything you do and have done, she thinks you have some kind of rotten ulterior motive. Which, after the amount of time that has passed, and all the things you've done, should be out the window by now. But, I think the final nail in that coffin was when your wife sided with you and not her. Despite her logic being unreasonable, she feels blood is thicker than water, and that her own mother betrayed her. So now you're both being "punished" by not being able to spend time with the children. Which sadly, happens all too often. I hate when children are used as pawns in adult situations. Those kids miss you guys. They want to come to you, because you treat them kindly. My heart truly breaks for the both of you, and im so sorry you're going through this. Continue to pray for her, and them. Pray that God reaches into her life and heals the gaping holes her father left her to contend with. The holes that made it so that the love you delivered to her fell straight through her heart like a sieve. Let them be mended. Let her eyes open to the many blessings she has received on behalf of that love she's abused, mocked, and taken for granted. I pray something will shift, and she will allow the two of you to enjoy your family, and be grateful that you even have a desire to do so! My children are grown up, my birth father is still alive, and he's never even seen them once. Or talked to them on the phone. Or offered a single red cent in financial support.
But as you know, time flies. And it will be no time until the children are able to come to you of their own free will. In the meantime, if you do anything, do it only for the children. Shut the door of assistance to her and her husband. No more money in the cards. No more compromising your lifestyle for someone who doesn't know how to appreciate it. You and your wife should still make an effort to go see the kids though. Especially since they're so close by. What is she going to do? Call the cops? And say what? My kids grandparents are trying to love them? As a matter of fact, take a whole group from your church over there to try and see them. She may be less likely to treat you guys that way in front of others. She would have to explain herself. Give reasoning as to why she won't allow you in. Either way, the children will have memories of you two at the door trying to see them. And they will know that you didn't just abandon them, or something like that. She might getnso tired of you all coming by interrupting her drinking that she just gives in for some peace. If the oldest child has a phone, contact them through social media they use, under a disguised account. I kind of think she's keeping them from you so they don't have time to tell you anything she doesn't want you guys to know. Because alcohol is a nasty devil. I sincerely hope this gets better for you and your wife somehow.
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