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I am the most selfish person in the world. I think I am incapable of loving anyone more than myself or my dream. Today, when I look at myself, I feel all alone with no family, no friends, no job and my marriage hanging by a thread.. I feel like I have a really black heart, I am not a good person and I am never getting out of this phase.
I am 27 right now. I grew up in India, in a very financially instable family, where I had to work as a teenager to support my family's monthly expenses. I was always deprived of the good things, I couldn't afford to have friends in college because they would hang out and I didn't have the money to watch a movie or even sit in a café and enjoy a cool drink. I hadn't travelled anywhere. I looked at the people around me and felt really insecure about not having the things they had or not having the life they had. My family was poor and we were looked down upon by many. Not many people showed respect because we didn't have the money. My father was away most of my life and he passed away due to a chronic illness in 2016. I hardly have any memories of him. The ones I do have are not pleasant. I found the love of my life in 2016 when I thought I would never find anyone and got married in 2017. Growing up, I had one dream of moving abroad. I thought moving abroad would change my life, I could get a shot at being successful and wouldn't need to feel insecure about everything, people would show respect and I always thought of it as accomplishment. I had never wanted anything so passionately in my life than moving abroad. After marriage, my life did change. We were financially stable, travelled a lot and I was just happy. I came across an opportunity where I could apply for a Canadian Permanent Residency and talked to my husband about it. He liked the idea at first and we wasted no time and started our application. After a year and a half, we moved to Canada. I even cried when I first landed on Canadian soil and thought my dream had come true. I had dreamt of this ever since I was in school. I thought I was the luckiest person in this whole world, but little did I know of the horrors that were waiting. Soon after a couple months, the pandemic hit. Even then I managed to get a really good job and never had felt so successful in my life, people were proud of me, for the very first time in my life. But my husband did not get a job in his field and had to take up a job at a call center. He felt like his life was stuck in a reverse gear, he felt like a loser and he missed his family and friends. Ever since we got a confirmation of the Canadian PR, he wanted to back out but all of us encouraged him to give it a try. But he just wanted to move back to India ever since we got here. He slipped into depression and his family wanted us to move back. But I thought it was the pandemic and things would get better if we just hung in there and gave it some time after all, it is a new country and immigration isn't easy especially in covid times. And now it's 1.5 years of us moving to Canada. We were locked down at home and have no friends or social life at all. Every day he has blamed me for this decision and that it has ruined his life. And now we are in a situation where I lost my job unexpectedly because the company shut down and now my husband just wants to sell off everything and book his tickets to India. It's either our marriage or this whole Canadian dream. I knew this would work only if he gave it a try but he did not. And I just feel so lost right now, I know I love him but maybe I don't love him enough because even after all this, I still want to give this a try. I don't have the courage to throw this all away. I feel like I didn't come so far to only come this far. When we moved here, we slept on an air mattress for 3 months! I used an empty box as a table for my laptop. I would turn off the video during meetings to wipe the sweat off my face during summers because I didn't have a fan. I wouldn't buy anything worth $5 that I didn't need. It took hard work and patience to have what we have now. I bought furniture little by little and designed the interior of the rented apartment. This is my home. And now he wants to throw away all of this because this doesn't matter to him. His family and friends matter to him the most.
I think my passion for my dream has become so dangerous that I have lost so many things and now my marriage is hanging by thread. My husband and I want very different things from life. He tells me I ruined his life and his parents' life and maybe he is right. Maybe my love for my dream is a lot more than anything else. I do think of going back to India with him but I am not sure if I will ever be so happy again. And if I am here, I'll have my dream but I would lose him forever. Either way, I am going to lose an important part of my life. I don't know what to do. I don't know why I cannot just let this dream go. I don't know if I am ever getting out of this black hole that I feel I am in. I have been crying my heart out for days now, so much that when I look at myself in the mirror, I see a different person with swollen eyes, and just sadness and darkness. I feel I have failed everyone. My mother doesn't know of all this because this would just break her heart.
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You are here (alive) to learn stuff and to love others unconditionally. Everyone, including your husband, is on this same journey but each of us are at different place on this path and are proceeding at our own pace. We are blessed to travel a while with those who help us while we help them. When this arrangement stops working, it is time to move on and this can be uncomfortable.
The learning I mentioned is more of a subtraction (less opinions, judgments, confusion, misconceptions) than it is an addition of information. The loving includes the acceptance of others as they are and forgiving everyone (including you) for our imperfections. Getting better at this living stuff is our mission.
Eventually, you will realize that you don't really have a life to live. Live has you. Regardless of what you might think, you have very little control over what happens next except for how you react to these occurrences. As you progress, you (the person with needs, concerns, and opinions) will be less of a concern and when this happens, life will use you as a way to bring more light into the world.
Trust your instincts going forward. It is more than a hunch. It is the totality of your intelligence which includes your feelings and emotions.
You are responsible for you.
Replyi m only saying one word di..
believe in yourself..you are an individual and hv your own life..the typical indian emotions are now long gone...i m an indian but i think that loving urself is the best way out...u can b successful ....may b this was fate..
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