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Forgive the weird structure I just typed this in my notes on the whim
Everyone thinks being alone is sad. I used to think the same. And I was sad a lot while being alone. But since it’s always been more comfortable for me to be alone I’ve disregarded the loneliness. But recently I’ve been alone more often than usual and it feels like I hit some next level of aloneness. it feels healthy in a way it’s like I can be alone so well these days and have hours long conversations just in my head and come to some really interesting thoughts and ideas. It’s new to me to just think for that long it feels weird but it feels right. The conclusions I came to felt hollow and forced at first but after some practice just thinking I can go on just thinking for long periods of time and come to some legitimately interesting thoughts or ideas, well interesting to me at least. The half that’s scary though is I’m starting to loose the necessity of social contact. I don’t really desire it anymore and I know that’s bad. I desire to have friends but it all seems exhausting. I want a relationship too but I gave up searching because I’ve not experienced a “spark” in too long. To note I have had bad social anxiety for a while, it used to feel like I was being secretly being made fun of all the time but I’ve worked through some of that. I thought I would mention that because it was the reason I stayed alone at first but it’s the reason I enjoy being alone now. Also to note the lack of social motivation is in no way spiteful towards society. when I am interacting with people Im not some anti social or drag I enjoy making people happy, laugh and so I conduct myself in the relationship to foster those reactions from people. But this new shift in myself doesn’t seem to affect the processes that make me care for myself though like staying well groomed and dressed and I continue workout often. I value those processes so I continue to do them. I guess all this is to say I have learned to enjoy my own company and spend time with myself but I feel like I lost my motivation to seek out new social connections and a that’s very scary realization because loneliness is alright for a moment or for a season but a lifetime of loneliness fosters nothing but bitter regret and self pity.
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Being alone doesn't have to equate loneliness, though like everything else, moderation is key. We are a social species after all.
In terms of having or finding that relationship, I'm all too aware of the mental effects of that desire. You work yourself up about the potential and then you shoot yourself down because "reasons".
Making and establishing those connections is hard, far harder than they need to be. Though I suppose that's the consequences we bear as an advanced species. We set boundaries, rules and guidelines (well, most of us do) to ensure we're picking a good partner and if we're wise enough, we do our best to be good partners in return.
All those tasks and expectations and the very real possibility of getting hurt, all tend to weigh that down. So in essence, you find yourself wanting the relationship, but not wanting to put in all that effort for it to go to waste or worse, being thrown in your face.
I suspect the best path forward for you, much like it is for myself, is to consciously make connections with a couple people. 2 or 3, 5 tops. You sound like you're introverted and you value the meaning of having close ties.
The reason this is important is because it allows you the opportunity to really get to know someone prior to engaging that relationship. Depending on your moral compass, it may not sit right to do that because it may feel dishonest. You're pursuing this person with every intention of establishing partnership.
Though I'd argue that it's a boundary you have to be willing to hold for yourself. To ensure your time invested is manifesting something beneficial. A form of self love, in that you are protecting yourself and you're also giving love to them by acknowledging that yes, things might go somewhere between you two, but having a very real respect that it might not and maybe that's not a bad thing.
Unfortunately, people like you and I, we can't just "jump into it" despite how much your mind tells you otherwise. That is usually how you get hurt, I would know. I've experienced it several times myself.
It's not wrong that you are ok with being alone. It's also not wrong to want to share your life with someone else. You just gotta take the steps to get from here, to there.
Yes, I know it can be entirely overwhelming and trust me I understand. I can absolutely empathize with that. I have my own issues to take care of, but I still have that same desire to find love after all. Our circumstances may not be entirely similar but this aspect is and maybe in that, the information i have to offer may provide you with some benefit.
Because I want you to know what that's like, sincerely I do. Because I know how much I want it myself.
If I were to say anything, it would be to establish at least one connection. Just the one for right now and then maybe another a while down the line and then maybe another and you create this social network so that you've got "feelers" if you will. Extra sources of information that you can rely on and providing a symbiotic relationship there will help you with searching for and attaining that next relationship, that next hit of oxytocin.
That way, if you decide to pursue someone, you already have an idea of how you interact and communicate with each other. You'd already have a sense of what to expect and so would they. Making the process less stressful and thus eliminating that wall of social awkwardness, to some degree.
My apologies for the super lengthy reply, I just think it might be something of value for you to consider. I hope that it is.
ReplyIn a sense I can relate to this. On the one hand I can be very social but the sensory overload that comes with it makes me want to be alone for a long long time and detox. Go for hikes away from people and clear my head. As for the rest I would say taking things in stages...because the jumping right back into a new dynamic could have an adverse effect on you. In a way they do say that at first you have to be able to be comfortable with yourself and your own company before being able to be around others and it certainly seems like you are. You are going to the gym and maybe that could be a small starting point small conversations or sharing training advice etc
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