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On Loneliness: Anyone Relate?
1 week ago · · Lonely,
Forgive the weird structure I just typed this in my notes on the whim
Everyone thinks being alone is sad. I used to think the same. And I was sad a lot while being alone. But since it’s always been more comfortable for me to be alone I’ve disregarded the loneliness. But recently I’ve been alone more often than usual and it feels like I hit some next level of aloneness. it feels healthy in a way it’s like I can be alone so well these days and have hours long conversations just in my head and come to some really interesting thoughts and ideas. It’s new to me to just think for that long it feels weird but it feels right. The conclusions I came to felt hollow and forced at first but after some practice just thinking I can go on just thinking for long periods of time and come to some legitimately interesting thoughts or ideas, well interesting to me at least. The half that’s scary though is I’m starting to loose the necessity of social contact. I don’t really desire it anymore and I know that’s bad. I desire to have friends but it all seems exhausting. I want a relationship too but I gave up searching because I’ve not experienced a “spark” in too long. To note I have had bad social anxiety for a while, it used to feel like I was being secretly being made fun of all the time but I’ve worked through some of that. I thought I would mention that because it was the reason I stayed alone at first but it’s the reason I enjoy being alone now. Also to note the lack of social motivation is in no way spiteful towards society. when I am interacting with people Im not some anti social or drag I enjoy making people happy, laugh and so I conduct myself in the relationship to foster those reactions from people. But this new shift in myself doesn’t seem to affect the processes that make me care for myself though like staying well groomed and dressed and I continue workout often. I value those processes so I continue to do them. I guess all this is to say I have learned to enjoy my own company and spend time with myself but I feel like I lost my motivation to seek out new social connections and a that’s very scary realization because loneliness is alright for a moment or for a season but a lifetime of loneliness fosters nothing but bitter regret and self pity.