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Just random rambling about my relationship.
I spent 3 years and 8 months with you. I loved you until the last bit of love seeped out. You were never good for me, I told you I wanted to wait for sexual acts to begin after marriage and you manipulated me within a week to do things with you. You forced blowjobs, no matter how hard I bit the shaft or tip, you forced handjobs, no matter how hard I hit you down there. This went on for the entirety of our relationship. You never respected me or my wants, you threw tantrums when you didn’t get what you wanted or complained if I wanted a “normal” date. A date that didnt end with any sexual thing because you would guilt me into it.
You found all my brothers annoying, you said my older one talked too much and that my younger ones were annoying. Recently you said they grow on you but it was painful to go through. It brought back memories to when you said you would beat a child into shutting up and I stayed with you because you reassured me it had nothing to do with my brothers.
I was your side chick without knowing, you had a girlfriend for 2 maybe 3 years before we started dating and you didn’t leave her before asking me out. I had to pry it out of you and you begged me to help you dump her. You were always a coward.
After a year you asked me to marry you, I thought because you loved me but I said “no I’m not accepting proposals until after 4-6 years together”. I now know you only wanted to rush getting married to have sex. I’m glad I never married you. I’m glad you’ll see me happy with someone else.
I still believe in true love, even if you destroyed my self worth and respect for a while. I know some day I’ll get hand kisses, hugs without groping, flowers that mean something not just for a chance to get in my pants, a guy or girl that won’t judge my likes.
I still love Disney I still believe there’s a love like that out there for me one full of magic and pure love not just one sided and then lust off the other.
I only gave you a final chance because you showed growth and that you changed. Jokes on me you never did change you just faked it. I should’ve heeded your words more carefully since the beginning you would say “I know the right things to say to get what I want off you”.
It took me 3 years of suffering to understand that you never loved me as much as I did you. You just lusted for me. You claimed to have “suffered and sacrificed so much for me” yet I did so much more for you I tore myself apart trying to please you. I lied for you, I changed things about myself for you, I risked my relationship with one of my younger brothers for you.
I still hate myself for that. That year (2018) when my uncle passed away. My younger brother needed me to mourn and I pushed him away and took all the anger I had for you out on him. I was the worst sister. I’ll never forgive myself for that year.
I would always defend you, talk highly about you, paint you as the good guy. Not anymore I’m done keeping your skeletons in the closet. You abused me emotionally and mentally since the beginning. It was worse in the early months you used to call me fat, ugly, worthless, that no one would love me as much as much as you.
I used to grin when I spoke of you, my eyes shone brighter, my heart would flutter. When you would call I would answer immediately despite the butterflies. Now I dread answering wondering if another argument will start, will we end it with i love you or a simple bye. I dread you coming over now because it’s always sexual.
Remember when you forgot our first date. I had to call your home and talk to your brother he had to remind you. We were set on the movies then you changed your mind and said the park. I was so sick that day and I still went. I was so excited to spend time with you. I mean 2 days before I stood up for you after a mutual friend started drama. I miss those days where I was excited to be near you, when I was naive and believed you would act normal for once. You drew a penis in the gravel out first date pretending to draw a heart. As immature as you were I fell in love with you that day. Even though you were lying for the entirety of it trying to seem cool, I went along with it so you knew I trusted you and believed everything you would tell me. I wish I could smack my past self and tell her to call out your bs.
I used to love your hazel eyes, they made me feel safe. I used to be able to hold eye contact for at least 10 seconds, now I can’t look into them for 2. Is it because I know you’re secretly undressing me or is it because I know I’ll forgive everything and love you once again. You always hated your eyes and I always adored them, I hate them too now. I love their color, but I hate the message they give me now.
Your voice used to bring me comfort, I would always ask you to call. I didn’t like texting with you. I did grow accustomed to your voice and heard it through text. I knew your tone for every message sent. I still preferred a phone call. Now I prefer text you won’t hear something off in my voice and I won’t hear your soothing voice getting annoyed with me.
I miss my naivety were I loved you more than I loved myself. I loved you more than I ever loved anything. I miss that feeling.
We were as close as best friends and boyfriend and girlfriend. Now I can only see us as friends. But even then you guilted me into a second chance talking about killing yourself that’s partially why I took you back I still loved you.
I know this time I won’t take you back because I don’t wish to be abused and treated like this again. Some things you told me repeat in my head daily now. If we were ever to end I wish nothing but the best for you. I hope you find your role in this world and excel at it. I hope you find someone better than me that can truly handle you.
I am finally at peace with us ever ending. I know moving on will take time. I do promise to myself not to take you back no matter what.
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