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My life in a bit - long post update
1 year ago · · Dilemma, · Explicit
Copy pasted from a friends wall
A daughter’s life
To give you a brief intro about my background , I have been an average student from school till college , but when it comes to obeying parents I was a topper .Whatever they say was a lakshman Rekha for me.
I never wanted to be an engineer, I never wished to take mathematics as a core subject , I never wanted to go away for studies but I did it all, because family doesn't "pressurise" you to do something. They just say ," this is what we thought for you, but you are a kid from Generation z and you want to follow your dreams so your parents won't fit in your dream ,do what you want" .
One thing I appreciate about this going away and studying piece was I got some true friends in my life , I spent my 4 years of engineering to nurture the bond I had with my friends , balanced my family by visiting all possible relatives around the city whatever Mom suggest , going to some random person’s shopping because Mom said .
I used to ask my friend to come with me to visit those relatives and go to the market and that’s how the bond grew even more . I kept balancing both family and friends . I would come home every 2 months , I would plan a nice birthday party and surprise my family and friends .
My bond with my friend was so good that people use to call us homosexual. But it was no such thing. My friend thought if I am talking to friends she should know them and use to tell me whom to talk to and whom to avoid.And because i wanted to have a non chaotic situation i agreed for all of them.
To make my mom happy I had gone and gave tuitions to my cousin’s for , a tuition that would last for 8-9 hours on weekends, because of which I could not focus on my exams for which i was preparing , soon my engineering got over , and i started being serious towards job , i stayed with my friends they helped me alot morally, emotionally .I used to have chaos also at times but I would handle it by letting my friend decide what should be done to overcome the chaos, this practice kept on going and I felt that every single decision in my life was either taken by my friend or my family.
It was an year after my graduation that , relatives started telling my parents to call me home and I would not get any job , because i am not focussed enough and immediately i cracked a banking exam , things were going smooth but then Family has more value for their relatives than children.I was called home and my friend felt bad because i obeyed my family not my friend. Now to get out of the situation my friend suggested we go to some other state and study there to get a job.I always wanted to overcome the chaos so I agreed for it. We stayed in hostels and a few places but later my friend’s family insisted and my friend moved back to hometown, but I kept on searching for a once in a lifetime decision and got a job.
And as my family was not so financially stable, I always wanted to be the one to fulfil everyone’s wishes from my job, fortunate enough I got one job, and as soon as I got one i started fulfilling all whatever i can. From providing gifts to my family , friends , my mom’s family , to provide monthly expenses to my siblings I did all.At the month mid only i was broke , my friend helped me financially when needed and i would never forget that.I had a 9to 9 job before that i use to talk on call with my friend for an hour and evening again for some time and some half and hour to my family as well , weekends i have to talk to my relatives because mom asked to and my friends was always on waiting when i am on call so immediately i would connect to her as soon as mom disconnects the call.
I noticed I passed 1 year of my job and have not stepped out on a single weekend and have not made a single new friend .
So for a change i started talking to my colleagues in office as well and good to know that they were good also.
Soon they started calling me to go for movies on weekends or some outing.To achieve this i used to take permission from my friend , she would say that yeah ok go and enjoy , but later she would fight that i gave her time to my New friends. At home it was ok for this because to handle them I was keeping all fasts , coming home 2 times in a year, not meeting any friends except them when I am home.
So one day I told my friend i made some really nice people as my friends in this office so a result she started avoiding my calls , no reply to messages and all .This made me pretty clear she doesn’t want me to interact with them , so for the first time i lied that I am not catching up with them much and i started going out with my new group of friends on weekends and sometimes on weekdays , this was like 2 times in a month.
To please my mom i would purchase some gifts for my aunt’s or their kids or meet my paternal aunt in bangalore
Soon my friend decided to come to my city to meet me and she wanted to meet my office friends too and as soon as she met them , she felt some of them are cunning some are just behind me or some are just fake ones , so i kind of disconnected from all but just one was still in touch as we use to go to office using a common vehicle and dutch the price of fuel.Soon i was growing more attached to this new friend of mine but as my friend didn't liked it i lied that I am not in touch more. When she was in my city she saw me messaging my office friend and made a fuss out of it. It was midnight and I was sleeping. She checked my phone at that time .
The messages were just common exchange of casual messages but she cried a lot and made me remove the number and do not go to office together and only be formal no friendship , but the thing is this was only friendship where i felt free , i don't have to give explanation for everything I do , anyplace I go or Anyone I meet so how can i leave this friendship .
So I lied again and was still in touch with my office friend .
Soon my friend got her job too in my city and now my weekends are dedicated to her and weekdays to the office. She would get angry if I did not call her before and during office hours. Also, if I disconnected her call she would not talk for days and show me anger, this was a cycle honestly for every week.
Soon i realised one common thing , my mom doesn’t like my friend much and my friend doesn’t like my family much.But my office friend had no issue with anyone .Nice na , at least one person i need not to worry about .So to handle these 2 people hating each other i use to lie that i haven’t spoken for days to my friend Mom or No I haven’t spoken to my Mom daily.
This lying and hiding kept on going for 4 years and then corona came into our lives and I came home ,with my family .
My friend was again furious about why I had to go home and why I couldn't stay in my job location with her. But she was the one who has taken decisions as since the beginning i never took any decision in my life.
Things were going ok , but then Corona hit my family too and me and my family members were infected and my friend’s Mother also got infected , I was checking on my friend daily even though i myself was suffering from the disease, but still I have to check on her and parallely my office friend kept on asking my whereabout and passing me positive information about things around, i got cured in a while and started back the office , but friend’s mom has been taken to hospital for oxygen need and was on ICU , i kept on asking shall i come and help you there but she is like no do not come its manageable . One day her mom got discharged from the hospital saying home treatment is sufficient , on consulting doctors in a private hospital it was told that infection is not completely over so my friend had put on a mask and did all things needed for her mom.
Days went by and it was the 8th day for her Mom at home , so I thought let’s get vaccinated and as it is a need to not get infection again .I got my vaccination done one evening and same night her Mom was taken to hospital for breathing issues again .
I kept on checking about her health and it was only oxygen as a challenge , next morning I got a call saying her Mom was not able to make it and had lost the battle to covid.
I packed my bags to travel 300 Km to meet her but to my bad , as a vaccination protocol I started getting a fever in the morning and was bed ridden.
My mom was a bit happy with my fever because I could avoid travelling as her Mom was down with covid and I have recently recovered and it was risky.
I could not go and meet my friend .My fever came down on day 3 and I started requesting my Mom to go but she was worried about infection and kept on bringing some new reasons to stop me from going. She even told me that I give importance to my friends, not family .
I called my friend and was in continuous touch with her. She told me I am living in my comfort zone and I don't wanna come out of that comfort zone and I was told I am not a friend who helps in need that’s why i stayed at home.
My mother thinks I don’t care about my family at all.
Now it’s day 4th of her Mom’s death and I am visiting her place , not thinking about infection any more. My friend is asking me not to come because there is no formality required and My mother thinks I am being careless towards my family and that’s why I am going to meet her .
Irony is all this while I kept on balancing between family and friends and never thought about my own happiness or my own decision and see now no-one is happy , not even me.
Today I even felt that i do not want to stay alive itself, but guess who stopped me , my office friend .