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I miss you. I find myself listening to our songs and looking at pictures of the beautiful face I once kissed every day. God we were so toxic for each other. You were toxic. But boy did I love you, bad and all. I was comfortable with you even when I wasn’t with myself and you accepted that. I keep thinking we are going to eventually work out, but I know that’s not real. That’s the saddest thing about it. The love for you is still there, but I can never act on it. I always ask if I’m so infatuated with you because I want to fix you, but I find myself hoping you’ve changed so that we can love each other again. What we had was intoxicating like poison running through the blood stream. I want to know what you’re doing. If you’re still thinking about me. I want to know if you’re up smoking and making music or if you are sleeping peacefully. Are you in bed with someone else? Do you wish it was me? I do. You’re skin is like my safe blanket and I never want to get out from underneath. Love is a funny thing. I’d chase love and be happy doing nothing else. Love is everything to me. It is what I live my life on, and our love was the best. Even the bad ugly parts. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You hurt me but I was already a mess. I blamed a lot on you. I needed time to grow and when I did, I realized you were a mess as well. I don’t blame you for hurting me. You loved me but you’ve never experienced healthy love. I listen to your songs like im drinking nectar; I feel nostalgic. I can sense you in them. What you’re feeling based off of what you post. It connects me to you in the only way I can, and I feel like a puppy scratching at a metal door. I’ll never get through but I have claws and hope. I’ve grown but clearly I’m stuck. Stuck on you in some way and it’s a sign that I’m no longer growing. When things aren’t good in my life I return to you. Why did you have to be my first love? Couldn’t I of had a healthy first love? I don’t think any first love is healthy though. We were too young to live our own life without our parents morals and values and pressure. You were your parents and I definitely was my mother. Kiss ass and cared about what people thought about me even though it didn’t seem like it. You liked my fake confidence and look at where that got me. I keep wishing we will cross paths again. Any chance to go to the Bahamas. I day dream that I walk into a bar, get a drink, someone starts flirting with me and then you walk in. You’re all nervous and I play it cool. We spend the rest of my time there being passionate again. We are old enough so maybe I move there. Isn’t that sad? I still love you. Or maybe I miss the love I had for you. No I still love you. Well this helped. It’s not going to you, but it’s nice to think I’m texting you again. I wish you are doing things that make you smile. I hope you have found some passion in life that makes life pretty great. Like everyone, you deserve true peace and happiness. I only wish I could be apart of that. More love than ever, bubba💜
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I've been here. Not a super fun place to be. I don't know if it ever really goes away, I don't personally think it does. I think it's intertwined into the soul, seered on the walls like a tattoo.
The even more unfortunate part is knowing you'll go forward and you'll never find anything resembling that passion again. Nothing could, it's such a perfect mix of love and hate, a chemical cocktail of oxytocin, serotonin, epinephrine and adrenaline.
I suppose the hardest part is moving forward, because you can never forget. For myself, there was a time I was convinced that if I saw her again, I'd fall to my knees. I think I've gotten past that now but the memories are still there.
I guess the best we can hope for is that they've found some semblance of happiness and that we could someday do the same.
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