What are you looking for?
Is it my fault I can't stop thinking about her?
2 years ago · · Crush,
Supposedly if the feelings are mutual then things should happen naturally and you shouldn't feel like you're getting mixed signals. It's unrealistic for me to think I will be with this girl. There's a lot in the way. If I'm really lucky she might come around someday but she's gotta do it on her own time. If I keep trying to push it... I mean, I haven't done anything wrong yet but if you never give it up, I feel like you eventually become a stalker.
So I feel pretty confident the right thing to do is move on. I've been trying so hard but it feels impossible. Some rare days I feel like it's just a little crush and yeah she's great but it doesn't matter. I felt that way yesterday and thought maybe I'll be fine after all. And then I went to sleep and had a full-on dream about her. The whole night I dreamt only about her. I woke up feeling guilty that I'm so obsessed with her.
I have no right to fantasize but I just keep imagining what it would be like on a date with her. I think about what I would say to make her laugh or what I might learn about her in conversation or try to think of the most charming way to explain why I seem so nervous. And I imagine the simple moments we would have together if we were in love... driving together, watching TV, getting inside from the snow. And I think of all the things I would do from time to time, writing her a song, leaving her a note, taking her to special places, in a desperate attempt to show her how much I care about her. I imagine how the world would spin around me every time she told me she loved me. I imagine bad times too... how broken I'd be if she loved me and left me or what flaws might reveal themselves once I know her intimately.
I've never been so obsessed with anything and it scares me that I can't change it. I feel directionless without her and everything that used to seem important to me now seems meaningless and trivial. Maybe I keep thinking about her because it's the only thing that makes me feel anything anymore. Maybe I just hate those dull and depressing moments when I try to focus on something other than her and I'm suddenly staring ahead at a long, dark, empty life ahead of me.
I'm the fool of all fools.
I wish she would hate me and tell me so, because right now I have no idea how she really feels about me. I wish she would be awful, because right now she seems perfect. But more than anything, I wish she would love me, because for once in my life I would know exactly what to do.