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TW: Im all kinds of fucked up
4 days ago · · Suicidal Thoughts, · Explicit
Theres this thing ive never told anyone, i secretly wish i have cancer. So, lemme explain why before we go about thinking im ungrateful, probably am, but yeah.
So, ive thought about dying, A LOT, and i have done self harm at times dont anymore (cause body dysmorphia) and i always wanted a way to die with pain, i know, fucked up. but like the thing is, lately its weird, i dont just wanna die one way the way i used to, now i close my eyes, i see myself cutting, i close my eyes, i can feel myself drowning to death (its easier to feel it in your lungs when you have almost drowned once before), i picture myself being hit by a truck, picture myself jumping off my apt balcony or terrace.
So being in the medical field, i need to know anatomy, and during dissection when i had to cut along the wrist, part of me wanted to be the body on the table. I wish this was just loneliness cause of covid, but its not, ive been here for 5 years now.
Im tired, the will in me feels like its dying, each day i feel like im inching closer to it. So, i just wish, my body gives up on me instead, decides to go into overdrive, one wrong mutation, and off i go in a cowardly way...