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Theres this thing ive never told anyone, i secretly wish i have cancer. So, lemme explain why before we go about thinking im ungrateful, probably am, but yeah.
So, ive thought about dying, A LOT, and i have done self harm at times dont anymore (cause body dysmorphia) and i always wanted a way to die with pain, i know, fucked up. but like the thing is, lately its weird, i dont just wanna die one way the way i used to, now i close my eyes, i see myself cutting, i close my eyes, i can feel myself drowning to death (its easier to feel it in your lungs when you have almost drowned once before), i picture myself being hit by a truck, picture myself jumping off my apt balcony or terrace.
So being in the medical field, i need to know anatomy, and during dissection when i had to cut along the wrist, part of me wanted to be the body on the table. I wish this was just loneliness cause of covid, but its not, ive been here for 5 years now.
Im tired, the will in me feels like its dying, each day i feel like im inching closer to it. So, i just wish, my body gives up on me instead, decides to go into overdrive, one wrong mutation, and off i go in a cowardly way...
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You're not THAT messed up. Go find Parasite Man and then we talk about "f'd up".
Still, I do understand your issue and I'm not belittling you, I just want you to see for yourself what crazy really looks like. Heck, I stopped cooking spaghetti, one of my favorite dishes, because my mind kept wanting to stick my arm in the boiling water. So I do empathize.
I won't tell you everything is going to be ok by some mystic fantasy fairytale. But if you want it to stop, you have to take charge of your body. It's not easy, it's not fun but it can be done. While you're at it, it wouldn't hurt to speak with a therapist. So you can get some of this stuff out there and have someone who can help you find your way back.
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