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The past should never control the present...
3 days ago ·
In the last couple years, I have gone through a lot of changes. To start, I have developed skills that I never thought I could learn. Some of the skills I had to learn on my own and some I had to scan through my memories finding them to be simpler than I had originally thought. I fix my own car, household stuff and even work equipment whenever I can. Whenever I can, I workout ways and solutions to make everyday simpler. But of this development came from anger I have had with my Family. This hurts a lot as I come to think about it. Watching my Dad keep his distance from me was pretty hurtful. Every small thing I did, he lashed out. He never truly spent time with me much even when I was little, but it got worse as I got older. I had to mostly raise myself and not follow his example. Yet I still have similar habits that he had. My parents were very much alike as they tried to manipulate each other. Mom was a lot better at it than my Dad. She always found a way to get you to doubt yourself, use you, and even destroy little of yourself that you have. I did not realize how severe she was in this respect until I took care of her for six years. It destroyed my real social life, my priorities, confidence that I once had. There are so many things they did to me that hurt. Worse, I have no one else to blame except me for getting myself stuck.
I am pretty decent at filing/organizing(keeping is the hard part), assembling, fixing, learning, building, cooking…the list keeps going on. I am even good at some sports that I was never really given a real chance to prove. Again, all out of needless anger that I hold today. Fearfully, I am unsure I will ever be able to get rid of this. Things seemed to have changed when I started working my latest job. I lost weight and gain a lot of strength that I have been needing for a long time. But the biggest change was not until I met someone. In a way she changed my life in a way that no person ever has. I felt drawn to her, without any reason that I could understand. The moment I thought I had a chance at having her in my life, I started making personal changes. I was a lot happier. I was cleaning up after myself and getting up earlier. I just wanted to be near her more. But I could not get over my fear of confronting her in public. A big part of hating myself. All I can say, is given the chance, I would changed that. Given the chance, I would express I really feel about her. However, I feel that I have last all chance of that.
I am full of depression because make a lot of poor choices I have made. Yet, she does know that I like but I do not know what it was that ruined any chance of that. I feel cold and empty because of this. I am less focused and do not feel like I have a reason to live. Do not think I am going to take my life, because I refuse to do that. All I know, I feel hurt and empty. I would simply do anything if she asked. When someone changes you for the better, you should never let that go. She was a change I absolutely need and I absolutely am in love with her. I failed myself because of fear of many things including that fact that I might hurt her in any way.