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My feelings (quite long and a lot of bits are left out and aren’t in detail)
2 years ago · 5 · Need Advice, +6
472
I would appreciate if someone could at least read this, i mean even if no one reads these I’m getting it out. I just need to write. I need advice, motivation idk? I think i’m going to start private therapy within the next year, i cannot be this way forever.
I prefer this to tweeting because even when it’s on my private account, people
Anyone that has seen any of my tweets in the last 6/7 months (if anyone is reading this > I was going to tweet this on my private account but I didn’t) I have reached a head. I can’t do it anymore like I keep having these recurring (day) dreams about me and my bestfriend living next door to each other in neighbouring apartment complexes with me finally having my license, going out for drinks, working, making MONEY, with good friends around us, HAPPY. It’s like God wants to tell me that we can be that way, but the actual truth is I have struggled so bad these last few months and I don’t know what to do.
I have many bad ways of dealing with things and people and relationships and there’s no excuse for it. I’m an adult and that’s just a point of acknowledgement. Its unacceptable and it’s toxic. And I’ve come to terms with it and I am forcing myself to admit it.
~ Back to the point, this environment has been sooo toxic its just added insult to injury. While everyone was learning new skills etc in lockdown, I feel like I was part of the 2nd half of people that were slowly turning more insane than I already am.
I think I allowed myself to live in a household with a lack of boundaries, no genuineness because I never wanted to live here and every day I have lived here I’ve betrayed myself. I’ve dealt with things I wouldn’t usually even predispose myself to. I’ve allowed a group to dictate what I should and shouldn’t be doing and paired with my history with poor mental health and just uni in general because I wasn’t enjoying myself as soon as I got here but I know I needed the degree. It has eaten at me to the core.
As in, even in my tweets here I’m saying like i literally dk whats happening to me. I dont do anything anymore, I don’t know how to have fun, everything feels like a chore. I haven’t been able to be there for myself because I got into this cycle of not knowing how to fix things because a lot of it depended on my environment, but I couldn’t leave because me and my bestfriend were here together and I’m going to thug it out because i also don’t like in london, idk just a lot of factors. I think I have behaved horrifically here and I’ve been disrespectful to someone I felt like wronged me on multiple occasions so I sought vengeance because I haven’t put boundaries down and I continued to allow it. That’s my fault.
Anyway, I have felt more and more uncomfortable and I’m in this cycle of “I have to be an adult, i don’t have time to do this” and “the more i pretend it isn’t there and ignore it and continue, the worse I feel then the more I don’t continue the worse I feel” And my bestfriend has been going through something the past month, and it’s snowballed into many things but because of how down I’ve been I’m trying to split myself into so many different roles i’m trying to be there but I can’t even be there for myself. I can’t even go into big detail because she actually has things to deal with that are bigger than mine. There’s no good making anything about me, she has come to the conclusion that she needs to learn what to do for herself and she has had enough forcing people to do stuff and she’s taking people for what they are. I never really liked going out because my anxiety and self confidence has alwayssss been an issue, so I’ve drank to the point of oblivion on too many occasions or gotten in moods. During this weird episode lately, I have become even worse. I don’t dance i just stand around and hate where i am but i come out because I’m trying. That’s me trying
It’s getting harder to keep going tbh. And i think people realise there’s something up but they think its me being lazy etc and its not something I know how to explain because it comes and goes. But rn is not the time anyway. I think the main thing is I want to be there for her and I want to be able to be a great friend which in the most part I feel like I am but her not forcing people to do things they don’t want to do means there’s more effort required from me which I am trying to do. I want to be a good friend and I’m sad she’s got to this point of “idc” but what do I do? how do I help her and help myself when I’m struggling with both.
Moving out of here in 20 days but 20 days is a long time and I still have a dissertation and 5 assignments to get to a 2:1 by August and this is my last chance. I need to get it done but i feel horrific. Like i feel completely collapsed inside. I just want things to be fine.
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ReplyYes, I read it and it is so complicated. Did you know that you are not your thoughts and most of them show up uninvited. The ones that don't interest you leave almost as fast as they came. The thoughts that are helpful and those that causes problems for you (like the stuff you just wrote about) get your attention, the added dramatic story, and often get your emotions involved. The ones (good or bad) that get the most amount of this energy from you will linger and will return often.
The simple arrival in your mind of a thought does not make it legitimate and it does not make it your creation. You are also not your mind. You have a mind. It is a necessary and very powerful instrument. Using anything this powerful that is poorly understood can be dangerous. All of your life is happening in this mind that belongs to you - all of the assessments, opinions, conclusions, judgments, emotional reactions. This instrument of your needs to be and can be managed.
When this starts to happen and it can start real soon, these issues you listed will begin to be sorted out. I can point you to a way to get started if you are ready.
ReplyWow thank you, I really like how you put that. Yes please!
ReplyI may have to finish this message later because I have to be somewhere soon.
It is so important to establish your perspective on what this life is all about and how things work in general work. This will be your foundation - a platform for you to use to review the significant things that are happening. This perspective will evolve over time as will everything else.
As I said earlier, thoughts come and go all of the time. You have a lot troublesome thoughts that show up regularly and this won't change right away. To get some balance you need to set the stage for some helpful thoughts to arrive. Decide on 2 or 3 really wonderful / meaningful things you would like to help make happen in your life. This list can change any time you want it to. Write a brief summary about each one - maybe a paragraph or 2. Edit these summaries often until they are clear and concise. Keep them close. Read them often - at least daily. When a thought arrives that might move you closer to any of these goals, pay attention, use your imagination, get excited, get emotional. You are feeding this thought your energy. If an action from you is initiated from this thought, that is even better.
Now, the troublesome thoughts will still show up, also looking for your energy. When they do, don't react, add a story, form any opinions, or judge them. Just let them be there in your mind for a while until they dissolve from lack of energy and are replaced with another. If the next one is unwanted, repeat the process. Eventually, a thought you prefer will surface and now you know what to do.
This is enough for now. Let me know how it goes.
Replythankyou i will definitely try this!
Reply