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My feelings (quite long and a lot of bits are left out and aren’t in detail)
3 days ago · · Need Advice,
I would appreciate if someone could at least read this, i mean even if no one reads these I’m getting it out. I just need to write. I need advice, motivation idk? I think i’m going to start private therapy within the next year, i cannot be this way forever.
I prefer this to tweeting because even when it’s on my private account, people
Anyone that has seen any of my tweets in the last 6/7 months (if anyone is reading this > I was going to tweet this on my private account but I didn’t) I have reached a head. I can’t do it anymore like I keep having these recurring (day) dreams about me and my bestfriend living next door to each other in neighbouring apartment complexes with me finally having my license, going out for drinks, working, making MONEY, with good friends around us, HAPPY. It’s like God wants to tell me that we can be that way, but the actual truth is I have struggled so bad these last few months and I don’t know what to do.
I have many bad ways of dealing with things and people and relationships and there’s no excuse for it. I’m an adult and that’s just a point of acknowledgement. Its unacceptable and it’s toxic. And I’ve come to terms with it and I am forcing myself to admit it.
~ Back to the point, this environment has been sooo toxic its just added insult to injury. While everyone was learning new skills etc in lockdown, I feel like I was part of the 2nd half of people that were slowly turning more insane than I already am.
I think I allowed myself to live in a household with a lack of boundaries, no genuineness because I never wanted to live here and every day I have lived here I’ve betrayed myself. I’ve dealt with things I wouldn’t usually even predispose myself to. I’ve allowed a group to dictate what I should and shouldn’t be doing and paired with my history with poor mental health and just uni in general because I wasn’t enjoying myself as soon as I got here but I know I needed the degree. It has eaten at me to the core.
As in, even in my tweets here I’m saying like i literally dk whats happening to me. I dont do anything anymore, I don’t know how to have fun, everything feels like a chore. I haven’t been able to be there for myself because I got into this cycle of not knowing how to fix things because a lot of it depended on my environment, but I couldn’t leave because me and my bestfriend were here together and I’m going to thug it out because i also don’t like in london, idk just a lot of factors. I think I have behaved horrifically here and I’ve been disrespectful to someone I felt like wronged me on multiple occasions so I sought vengeance because I haven’t put boundaries down and I continued to allow it. That’s my fault.
Anyway, I have felt more and more uncomfortable and I’m in this cycle of “I have to be an adult, i don’t have time to do this” and “the more i pretend it isn’t there and ignore it and continue, the worse I feel then the more I don’t continue the worse I feel” And my bestfriend has been going through something the past month, and it’s snowballed into many things but because of how down I’ve been I’m trying to split myself into so many different roles i’m trying to be there but I can’t even be there for myself. I can’t even go into big detail because she actually has things to deal with that are bigger than mine. There’s no good making anything about me, she has come to the conclusion that she needs to learn what to do for herself and she has had enough forcing people to do stuff and she’s taking people for what they are. I never really liked going out because my anxiety and self confidence has alwayssss been an issue, so I’ve drank to the point of oblivion on too many occasions or gotten in moods. During this weird episode lately, I have become even worse. I don’t dance i just stand around and hate where i am but i come out because I’m trying. That’s me trying
It’s getting harder to keep going tbh. And i think people realise there’s something up but they think its me being lazy etc and its not something I know how to explain because it comes and goes. But rn is not the time anyway. I think the main thing is I want to be there for her and I want to be able to be a great friend which in the most part I feel like I am but her not forcing people to do things they don’t want to do means there’s more effort required from me which I am trying to do. I want to be a good friend and I’m sad she’s got to this point of “idc” but what do I do? how do I help her and help myself when I’m struggling with both.
Moving out of here in 20 days but 20 days is a long time and I still have a dissertation and 5 assignments to get to a 2:1 by August and this is my last chance. I need to get it done but i feel horrific. Like i feel completely collapsed inside. I just want things to be fine.