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I'm not okay, but I should be ?
3 days ago · · borderline personality d..., · Explicit
I thought I was in a good space after these past few months of healing and working on myself. I was previously diagnosed with depression a few years ago and have been struggling with it for more than 4 years. I have attempted to commit suicide a few times and ended up in the mental hospital. I'm 19 and after my last relationship, I started to work on myself and realized that I could love myself and be happy by myself. Nowadays, I consider that maybe I'm actually crazy. I've considered Borderline Personality Disorder to explain how I've acted in my past relationships and friendships. I haven't self-harmed in a few months and I vowed to never do it ever again, but I had dreams about self-harm. Why am I like this? Why does my mind, these voices in my mind try to ruin everything that's good for me? I'm in a good situation right now. I have the best boyfriend you could ever ask for. It's been all green flags and mutual support. So why am I having these intrusive thoughts telling me such awful things about myself? Why don't I feel like I'm good enough for him? I feel like I'm rock bottom right now and I don't know if it's because I'm supposed to be on my period or because of the hormones from my messed up birth control schedule. Or maybe I'm so stressed out about being successful in the future. Why do I feel like self-sabotaging myself? It's like I want to suffer and cry, but the truth is that I don't!!! Why is my mind doing this to me? I feel like this whole thing is driving me crazy. My mind keeps overthinking:
"What if I'm just another one? It'll be okay; you're strong enough to overcome anything as long as you're prepared for it. Start moving on now so it won't hurt later on"
Why am I having these thoughts?! I'm so happy in my relationship and there's absolutely nothing wrong. I may get jealous from time to time thinking about his past relationships, but I don't show it at all because I know those things don't matter because I'm in the present with him. I don't know if this is normal or not. And because one of my ex-partners cheated on me, I occasionally check his location when he isn't replying. I know for sure that he wouldn't do something like that, but why am I acting so psycho? Analyzing why I'm thinking and doing all of these things is making me really sad. I just started crying for the first time because I don't know if I'm ready after being so broken after my last relationship. Sometimes he looks a little like him in bed and I pretend for just a few seconds that he is. I know it's fucked up, but I think I still miss my ex a little. Don't get me wrong. I would never want to be with my ex ever again so I don't know why I did that either. I just don't want to be that psycho bitch. I want to be a supportive, loving, caring, career-successful girlfriend and have a stable and balanced relationship that'll hopefully blossom into something solid. I know relationships are never perfect, but I really think the problem is with me. I don't know how to move past my own illness.