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Of Love Lost
2 days ago · · Love,
Hard to think it's been a year and a half since that day. I realized something some time ago, it wasn't the fact that you left me that really dug into my soul. It was the fact that I gave so much of me, parts I had never given before.
I don't suppose you would understand, this might be too sensitive of emotion for you to fully understand. How I literally fought my own brain for you, how I allowed myself to believe that this could last.
In the eclipse of the soul, I see you once more. Memories dredged up and old feelings unearthed. I will not suffer here for long. Because I know the truth now, I know what matters.
What matters is the fact that I did that. That was me, fighting the old feelings of mistrust and jealousy. That was me being comfortable enough to believe in forever, even though forever never came. That was me, a wholly different version of me than any other that had existed prior and that version is still alive in me.
Maybe you couldn't appreciate how emotionally open I was. Maybe you couldn't appreciate that I was emotionally available and in that, I didn't put up any boundaries. Despite past hurts and the scars and shadows long gone since. I never casted my past onto you. That was a first for me, a major first.
It's taken me this long to finally acknowledge that, the amount of energy and effort I spent doing battle with myself, just so I could treat you right. I don't hold it against you, granted there is still some anger there but it's a righteous anger. An anger that tells me I'll be a bit more observant and listen more closely to my instincts. But not because of you.
It will be because I don't want to waste my time again, pursuing something that isn't there and someone who can't care enough to be honest.
That is a boundary I will set. I don't like liars and I will not tolerate it again. But I'm not going to cast your shadow onto someone else. I won't blame them for your wrongdoings, like you did me. I was never your ex. The man who came before me. But you just couldn't escape his shadow and so you hid behind lies.
That's just the way it was and I am certain I've moved on since. Someday I'll be ready to find the woman who will accept me for this emotionally available, aware and even sensitive man. Until then, I'm working to be the Mr. Right she will deserve. Because I'm learning to choose hope for the first time. Not tied to anyone else but myself. That's what is important.
Even as much as today has seemingly been replay day, I'm still choosing this path. Learning to commit to myself who I want to be. It's not easy by any means but I'm managing and that's more than what I was doing a couple weeks ago.
Though I still can't help but think of my future partner. I want to see the spark in her eyes after it's had time to set in that it is for real. All in do time. I don't mean like a few weeks or even 6 months. I'm talking about the real realization, a year or two in. When things are starting to settle and calm. I want to see that realization happen in her eyes and I hope it shows in mine when it finally dawns on me. That's something to look forward to, something to hope for, something worth fighting for.