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Hi, it's me again. I started having flashbacks and dreams again. You know how when you're younger and you hide under the blankets from the monsters. Well, I can't hide from my monster. My monster is smart and knows how to get to me no matter where I hide. I can't sleep without seeing him. It's been a year of running and hiding but I can't seem to escape. I stay up past midnight wondering if he is here to get me again.
I found out who my monster was a year ago but he was my monster long before that. I was five when my monster showed up. He was supposed to protect me instead he took something from me that I will never get back.
I still think about how he touched me and I couldn't do anything. I think about how different life would be if the court went in my favor. How I wouldn't be scared if someone else would try to get me or if he would come back. I could be free of fear and not being terrified if another man would touch me.
I feel guilty. I wish that all those years I was around him after it happened and I didn't remember would go away. All the hugging on holidays and him kissing my forehead. I wish I remembered sooner.
Now that I know, all I feel is nasty and scared. I wish I hadn't been so loving towards him.
So, it's me again, the broken kid, the outcast from the family, hoping for something
to change that never will.
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