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I have a problem.
I’ve always understood myself explicitly and I’ve always known what I’ve wanted. I didn’t believe in love, well no, that’s not right, I didn’t believe that I could ever love the way normal people loved. I’ve seen it everywhere, movies, tv shows, from friends and family and it’s always been a concept I could never truly grasp. Lovesick? Love blind? Missing someone so much you can’t function properly? Not able to get enough of that special person no matter how much time you spend with them? I didn’t understand any of it.
I always get tired of spending too much time with one person. I never missed someone so much that it hurt. I was always able to see people’s flaws for what they are. I thought I was the only one, and to be honest it scared me that I could never experience this allegedly wonderful feeling.
But, I've met someone.
At first it was like any other relationship. Talking with them got boring after a while. I wasn’t running and checking my phone by the hour to see if they texted. My heart didn’t jump at their notifications. We just talked about normal things and it felt the same as any other relationship.
But then things started to change.
They confessed to me, I was flattered but I knew 100% that I couldn’t return their feelings at that moment in time. And like any other time when it came to confessions, I felt guilty for my ‘inability to love’ mindset. But I brushed it off and hoped that this wouldn’t change our friendship, because I may not have returned their feelings but I did value our friendship.
After a while, close to a year of being friends. I started to talk to them more. Spending more time with them then doing other productive things. I found myself putting things off just so I can have a few moments to speak with them. This has never happened before, usually after confessions, it could go one of two ways: one, we slowly start to drift apart until we are barely talking to each other, or two, we don’t drift, we stay as friends, but there is a noticeable distance between us.
But for this one, there was no distance, I didn't feel like there was a wedge between us at all, in fact there was a pull that I couldn’t understand. This person understood me more in a year than my closest friends did my whole life and it was a nice feeling. I found myself keeping my phone close to me most of the time, checking it whenever I get a notification thinking it was them, them feeling crushing disappointment when it wasn’t, but feeling relief when it was. I caught myself smiling every time I talked with them. I stayed up late every day just to talk to them. I changed my schedule to match theirs. I started to feel an emptiness when I wasn’t with them. Even my old hobbies that used to fill up any emptiness in my heart failed to do their jobs. When they talked with others in that casual manner of theirs, I felt a pang in my chest that could only be jealousy. It was becoming a problem, it’s like I couldn’t live without their good morning texts and our late night chats. All I ever wanted to do was talk to them all day, and not do anything else. I shamefully find myself fantasizing what it would be like to be a couple.
Now I know what it sounds like…..love. But there’s more. My background, ethnicity and religion are almost opposite of theirs. Getting together would be extremely difficult and in my mind, not worth it. If I was truly falling for them, wouldn’t I want to fight and do whatever is necessary to be with them? I don’t feel any of that determination nor urgency. So is it really love?
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urgency could be just lust. embrace whatever you're feeling in that moment and just go wherever it leads you. you dont have to go against who you are just to prove if it's love.
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