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i get scared sometimes. i tend to think that when things get hard im going to be left. im scared he's going to leave just because things get hard. over something so dumb and leave me for someone else. im scared that he'd leave me right at my lowest all over again. im scared to feel like its all my fault when clearly it never was. i do my best to not think like that or to assume the worst. just because its happened to me in the past doesn't mean he is the same as the others.
i hate that im so damaged. all because i never knew how to love myself 4 years ago. i didn't realize that what i put myself through wasn't real or healthy until it was too late. by the time i realized all the damage had been done. i didn't realize that what i put myself through wasn't "love". i was blinded, numb, and dumb. even though the red flags were right in front of me. but its what happens when you're a good person. you try to look past all of that, you try to see the best of things, you just want to help them. i wish i could go back in time and leave all those times i told myself too. but for some reason my feelings didn't even matter to me. all i cared about was them. if i had left i probably would've still had friends. but i never did because i thought that i wasn't capable of being loved by anybody else. i thought that nobody would want me. i was scared of being alone.
i hated the idea of starting over. but i regret not leaving everyday, but then again i cant be upset at the past, im a true believer that everything was supposed to happen for a reason. everything is a lesson to be learned its just up to you if you want to learn what it is. its changed me forever.
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