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Why do I feel like this?
7 months ago · · Depression,
I've realized the reason I am asked to stay alive is that people may feel as if saving me will save themselves.
I need help, and I'm getting help but it's not working for me, why did Sophia or Sofia however you spell her name do this to me. I've always taken the blame saying it was mostly my thoughts. Why did I do that, she brought nothing but suffering, and yet I still protected her. I never even got an apology, well that's a lie but not a proper one, through a letter and shifted the blame on her parents who are at fault for treating her as they did, which then brought these feelings to me. But I didn't want to listen, it's selfish but she ruined me. I was in 3rd grade when this started, I feel as though I deserved this at times but then again I know I did not. Maybe if I kill myself ill feel better but why am I so scared, why can I feel nothing but everything at the same time, why do I hate myself, why why why. The question I carve into my skin time and time again. Why. Just why, why do I have to stay alive. "it'll get better with time" it has been years, 6 years to be exact. Why do I have to hide and pretend, even to the people who know, I lie too much? I lie to my parents, sister, cousins, grandparents, friends, teachers, classmates, aunts, uncles, to everyone I know. My parents know, something I was so anxious to do, and nothing changed, nothing has helped, the unexpected happened. I had so much trust in my parents, in everyone really, but this is all really at the hands of Sohpia, I don't even like to say her name. But I already feel bad for blaming her over and over, I'm just tired of trying to find blame on my bully. Who knows whether I would feel this way anyways, even without her "help". The urge to die is so hard to ignore and so heavy, I can't carry it anymore without hurting myself even more. I usually can't even vent about this to people who ay I can because I feel as if I'm putting this weight on them instead now. I can't cry it out because of my fear of being seen as vulnerable which doesn't allow me to cry even if I want to, which I so desperately do. I'm sorry for typing this, I know people have it worse and my struggles don't even compare to others but I wanted to let it out. Let it go at least for a while, so I can rest for at least 2 minutes before feeling worse again. I would like to be friends with someone but they always end up being a bad person or I distance myself too much, can I please just have a true friend, even if you are just acting, I'm giving up and need a distraction at least for now (If you are only pretending but I will try my best not to distance myself). I'm sorry that was annoying and sounded desperate. Actually, I don't think whoever reads this should be my friend I am annoying and cling, I am nice for the most part but I'm not the best person. Please reconsider but if you do here's my Tiktok: urmom690_
Please be kind if you do decide to be my friend.
Hopefully, I gain a friend through this, although please don't be 18+ I would feel uncomfortable to have a casual friendship with an adult. I'm 13 so if I'm too young or too old for you then that's okay.
I may continue writing on this app when I need to but it's not the safest thing to use your real name online so, when referring to me please use, Ein which means 1 in german. It seems comforting to use but isn't my real name. if I feel comfortable with you then I will share my real name, although I would prefer you to use my nickname "Ein" when I tell you.
If you feel fear I will kill myself when we become friends, don't worry I won't. I've come to the conclusion a long time ago I can't kill myself. fear and acceptance have become a part of this. It does not mean I don't want to die It only means I will not go by my own hand.
That was all I wanted to say (More or less, I was not expecting to ask for a friend.) so this is my goodbye, see you or not. if I don't, I don't mind maybe in another life.
(I am going to make an account and re-post this on there, It will be ein690_ if that doesnt work ill add 588 after so if there was no user by ein690_ look for ein690_588.)