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Any advice on how to keep my bestfriend? I don't wanna loose him :(
2 years ago · 0 · Please comment , +2 · Explicit
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I think I fell for my guy best friend. To be honest, I don't know why I doubted it in the first place. This always happens, it's the same vicious cycle over and over again. I always end up falling for my bestfriend but this time I thought it would be different. I thought it would be an exception because of how I would never date someone like him in the first place. I don't think I would ever be FRIENDS with someone like him in the first place. But he was an exception. I do not know why, but he was. I thought that it would be alright because of the way he treats me and how kind he is to ME. But he really isn't that way to other people. That's a topic for some other time. For today's rant, I've just been thinking about how much I'm going to miss him. Everyone says that he has a crush on me and even sometimes, with my lacking self esteem, I think so too. I see so many signs of it and I just really hope it's true. But knowing my luck, it won't happen, so for now I'm just focused on us staying close friends. But now that the school year is ending, I'm afraid I might loose all of that. Usually everyday in school, he will meet me outside of my classes and walk/talk with me in between my classes. He will walk me to my classes and to the bus. Some people say he is "attached to my hip". But that's the thing, while we are very close, it is hard for us to hang outside of school because he has a job and all. Nonetheless, I think he tries his best to fit me into his schedule. Friday was our last day of school. Tomorrow, we have our moving up ceremony since we are graduating, but then that's all. I'm just so scared. I don't necessarily understand why. When I was talking him he said in no way should I worry about us drifting over the summer because he wouldn't let that happen but at the same time, I'm so used to seeing him everyday it's going to be a weird adjustment. Even if summer only lasts 2 months, what if over that time we DO drift and then I'll never get to see him in highschool? I'm just so worried. He likes to joke around with me a lot, but some of the things he says triggers past events in my life. Of course I don't think he realizes this, but when he says shit like he won't hang out with me during the summer or he only likes me for my friends/friendgroup, of COURSE I'm going to feel anxious. He doesn't understand because he just thinks he is joking, but it is extremely hurtful to hear because there are plenty of people who have used me for only my friends. I know he isn't like that because he is only nice to me and treats me different than everyone else, but at the same time what if I'm LYING to myself to make myself feel better? What if he really is only using me for my friends? What would I do then? Ugh... I suck. I hate myself so much. This always happens, now here I am overthinking about some stupid boy who probably doesn't even like me. He might just come out and say he has a crush on my bestfriend, just like every. other. fucking. boy. What else should I expect??? That's how I've been treated all my life. I fall in love with my bestfriend and they fall in love with my OTHER best friend. Once again, what else should I expect since I've always been easily replaceable. Always the second choice. Never the pretty best friend. Always the person that people look down on. I've never had much to offer, but if someone gave me the chance... I would provide so much for them. I just want to love. But for this short term goal, I don't want to loose my bestfriend. My crush. The only one I have left.
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