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I've heard of how self-harm is competitive, but I never really understood it until recently (well to be honest I still don't fully understand it even though I experience the "competitiveness").
For the longest time, I've felt envious of the extremes some people go to when self-harming. There's always the thought of how I could go deeper, draw more blood etc. I've felt envious that some people have the 'balls' to do what I can't and the thought alone makes me feel so disgusted with myself. These thoughts also extend onto the thought of off-ing myself - like I'm jealous of how people are able to take their own lives. How morbid and disturbing - big wtf moment. I don't know what to do with myself.
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Wow okay I didn't know this was a thing but I definitely get that too. It's like you hear stories of how serious other people's self harm is and it just makes you feel like yours isn't good enough....
It's a mad thing to think really but I definitely sometimes try to train myself to get as bad as I know other people are. Like I want to be the worst. It's strange.
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