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Tw: mention of sh
It's hard to explain to someone what I'm feeling when I truly don't know myself.
Some days I feel ecstatic other days I barely feel like living, and most the time I am holding tears back.
And other days I don't feel like living at all.
Although it's hard to explain because I don't self harm but it's crossed my mind a few more times than I'd like to admit.
Even writing the individual letters has. If I'm being completely honest I was planning on writing them tonight, but instead I found this and it gave me some hope.
I'm just so afraid of the future. I can't even imagine myself in it at all. I don't have a plan and I feel like there's so much pressure that I just cannot deal with. I'm so terrified.
And I feel like such a failure because I failed Chemistry after missing a month of school due to Covid and they didn't even help me catch up. They expected me to teach myself and it was already a difficult class as it is so that didn't help. And since I refused to take it next year I can't go into AP Bio so now I have to do a class that I have no interest in. Also the fact that I was ahead in math but now since I'm not taking it next year everyone is gonna catch up so what am I then?
Just a failure. I just feel so dumb, and I wanna give up.
I also struggle with self image as well now. I feel so ugly. I can barely look at myself in a mirror anymore and then the other times I do I always look at my body and just critique all the things wrong with it. I've lost a few pounds and am still not happy.
I know you shouldn't need people to validate your beauty or feelings, but that's the only time I feel worthy.
The worst part is this boy I really like who always called me beautiful and I was allowed to vent to left me like two months ago, so I've been struggling with that as well. (I'll be writing about this boy later in another thing).
I thought out of all people he would be the one to stay but he left just like the rest.
Along with that I added these boys on snap to fill the void of him and two of them unadded me after I sent like a face pic twice.
Like if my sense of self worth wasn't already weak that just destroyed it.
Barely anyone in my life compliments me and it just hurts yk because it's like they see the ugliness like I do.
Last but least my friends have literally been hanging out without me and they replaced me with these boys. Which in a way I'm not surprised because they have always been obsessed with boys and popularity, but it still hurts. Especially because the one vented to me about the other along with the fact that I gave her advice when she was getting over a boy, I helped her with her school papers and work in general, so it just sucks.
I guess that's what I get for having a big heart.
Anyways thanks for listening if anyone did read this and I'm sorry I talk a lot it's just I'm really struggling and I need help.
I'm just trying to stay alive and everything in my life is really testing my resilience, and I'm afraid because I'm weak and I don't know what I'll do if one more thing goes wrong.
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Dude. Just stay . Please . There are definitely people who need you here . You do have a big heart . Going might get tough sometimes but that's life and life only test the ones who it thinks can handle it . I swear to god everything will be alright someday . You are important and valid .
ReplyThank you. You have no idea how much I actually value this comment. You are a good person as well. Thank you for helping and offering some advice. I'll keep this in mind. I appreciate you and I hope you're doing good yourself.
ReplyYou are here (alive) to learn stuff and to love all that lives unconditionally. Anything that does not fall into this view is a distraction. You are already perfect and are in the process of discovering (uncovering) this truth. You don't need others to validate your worth. It is wonderful to share this journey for a while with others when the benefits are mutual but everything changes.
We all have much less control over what happens next than we would like to think. Our reaction, our response, to events and circumstances is where our power lies. We don't have a life to live as we choose. Life has us. We, each of us, is what Life is doing where we are right now. When we stop trying to control our destiny and stop even trying to decide what might be interesting, our attention goes where it is needed and actions simply happen. Every encounter we have is an opportunity to go with an not resist Life's flow.
When we get ourselves (this vulnerable, needy person) out of the way, Life will use us as a primary source to bring more light and love into the world.
Try believing what I say for just a day and feel the difference it makes in how you feel about things. Change your mind and your experiences will follow your lead in any direction you choose. It starts on the inside, not the outside.
ReplyWow. Thank you like this really made me question. I'll keep this in mind for future preference. But really thank you so much for this. It really means a lot and actually kind of changed my perspective a bit on life. I never thought of life that I guess maybe I have been missing opportunities and things I need to be happy because I was distracted. Again thank you from the bottom of my heart.
ReplyIts clear you do a lot of thinking and are introspective. Here are few things to consider. You are not your thoughts.
Thoughts, all of them, come and go. Their arrival does not make them legit or worthy of consideration. What they have in common is that they need the energy you provide to persist. You are the gate keeper. It does not matter if the thought is good or bad, preferred or unwanted, helpful or harmful. When you offer your attention, add a story or some meaning, and have an emotional reaction, the thought will be your constant companion - staying longer and returning often.
You already have enough worries and concerns so add some balance. Set the stage for the arrival of some helpful thoughts. Decide on 2 or 3 wonderful things you will like to help make happen in your life. Write a paragraph or 2 about each of them. Edit these summaries as necessary to make them clear and concise. Keep them close, Read them often (at least daily). Now when a thought shows up that supports these dreams in any way, pay attention, add a story, use your imagination, get excited, and if it initiates you to take some action, that is even better.
The unwanted thoughts will still show up quite often initially because that has been your pattern. They can't be prevented or forced to leave. Efforts to do that would give them the energy they need to stick around. These thoughts need to be allowed to just be there (to be observed) with you having no reaction. Look at them as if they were presented in a foreign language. Soon enough they will dissolve and will be replaced with another perhaps unwanted thought. If so, repeat the process.
When a thought arrives that is worthy of consideration, you know what to do.
Go through your life doing what you must and deal with the circumstances you encounter as best you can.
Not only are you not your thoughts, you are not your brain. You have a brain and it is a valuable necessary instrument. Using any instrument this powerful without understanding how it works can be dangerous.
All of your reality is assessed internally with your labeling, opinions, and conclusions. To change your experiences you need to start from the inside, not the outside.
Reply