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I was never understood and I have a hard time talking to people about my issues.
Being raped, abused, beaten, cheated on .. leaves a mark on you.
But how could I ever share something like that with people I love without hurting them? Why do I keep surrounding myself with people that only hurt me more?
I end up hurting myself and I don't even know if it's my fault at this point.
Probably I'll end up not achieving all my dreams and probably all this hard work is for nothing.
But still, I take the time to write here because people think I have the perfect life just because I never talk about my problems and because I am just a pretty girl. If I say that I have no self-esteem it means I am only fishing for compliments for them.
I save everyone but I can't save myself.
We are all insignificant and all these thoughts will probably mean nothing at one point, because compared to the universe, our existence means nothing cuz we die too soon.
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People want you to feel bad because you are pretty. Yes, you will die one day and be judged so it will be good if you make your existence mean something even if the something is small, or you might make a few or even a lot of somethings.
ReplyWe have this natural tendency to unconsciously surround ourselves with people we think we deserve. That's where learning to draw boundaries comes into play.
As for the self harm, that's a bit harder. You aren't entirely at fault but you also have to take some personal responsibility, you know? Stop doing it and learn what triggers set that desire in motion. So you don't hurt yourself. Easier said than done, I know.
As for talking about your trauma, there's almost always going to be someone who will feel sympathetic and thus they kinda understand your pain for a moment. That's just a normal part of that and you can't really expect others to not want to try to make that kind of connection, they're bound to, they're human just like you. So you gotta kinda put that notion out of your mind. It's a maladaptive thought and should be challenged.
Yes, it's also true that if you're "attractive" it also encourages people to be even more sympathetic and responsive to your issues. This is just another natural aspect of being human. When people see beauty, they don't want to see the cracks beneath the surface. You can't fault them for it, it's how they're programmed.
And then we come to why you save rather than being saved yourself. You do this because you know what it's like to feel pain, to feel rejected, to feel less than. I know because I do it too. But you see, in this endeavor you attract those who want to be saved and unfortunately nobody can save anyone. We have to save ourselves.
That's what causes those fractures and leads to toxicity. We rely so heavily on that one person to be our cure and that isn't possible to hold 100% of the time. Eventually, at some point, that support will cave and that creates resentment. Because they're not getting what they think they need. Which changes the entire dynamic of how they see you as a person.
That's why you have to try not to save people. Even as much as you may want to. It's perfectly fine to be a support for someone, even a big support. But the line gets drawn when they're relying on you to fix their problems. That's when things go haywire, even if they say something along the lines of "you just being here makes it better". You can't always be there 100% if the time, right? What about when they're asleep? Or you're out doing your own thing? It creates this sort of leash and that support you provide with eventually crumble. If not on your side from exhaustion, then in their eyes because some aspect didn't happen the way they thought it should. You understand?
I don't know if you're currently in therapy, but I highly recommend that you get into it if you're not. So you can have that safe space to work through some of these things and try to better yourself, make your life more enjoyable.
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