What are you looking for?
To be deserving
2 years ago · · parents,
I feel so stupid... I hate seeing dreams about my parents. It's not that they do something bad in a dream, or hurt me. They are caring. They tell me they notice that I'm crying, they tell me they saw my scars, that they're worried about me, not my grades, or a mess that's my room, and head and life, not how cranky I am. They care about me. Today my mom found me crying under the table in a dream, a concept that my mind pulled out from the deep childhood where I would run and hide there. She comforted me, and asked me what is it that I need, if she can do anything.
I sobbed in her arms and begged for validation. Praise, being proud of me, noticing when I'm not well... If I'm a mess, it's not always because I'm lazy. If I sleep for more, or less, or both, if I stop eating, or brushing my hair, it means I feel powerless again.
I used to cut (there was a story about it on there but it's anonymous) and now I'm thinking... How undeserving should a child feel to harm themselves. How much of a bad kiddo they think they are if they do this, and keep it a secret?
Why can't they care, and help me, they always say they're here to help, but it's a lie...
If only my mom ever noticed my effort. I try to put all of it in, I started cleaning my room, and was proud of the results, so I showed her, to get at least something, anything, it's what she wanted, and I forced myself despite feeling like I can't do anything, or focus, so at least a "okay, finally, keep going" Would make me happier than ever... But she didn't say that. She said, "so what. It's not clean, show me when it's clean."
It was a month ago. My dad texted me I should really clean my room a couple minutes ago, he said it's a dumpster and spiders start appearing, and that I should try better... He offered help but I don't want to do that with anyone, being in my room and letting them see the mess, maybe comment on something would make me feel horrible. I could talk to them, but with grandma's recent death, everyone already has too much on their plate. I can't make this worse with my dumb insecurities, what made me think I even deserve to be praised... I just keep slapping myself and hitting my head, and I want to clean, but it feels like I physically can't! I don't know why.
Maybe I'll never tell them how I feel. Not now, not later. They probably hear me cry and don't say anything, so they probably don't want to talk about me. Mom's often angry because I'm so out of it, and my life is a mess. One time I broke down crying in front of her for no reason.... I don't want to bother my joyfriend, I told them I'll just be alone, because they didn't react to my vent on the phone, they did say I could tell them in text later, but it's fine, because they're not doing well either, I can't ruin their happy moments, they're too rare!
My mom, the one who gave me so much issues with guilt and shame, and said a thing in an angry tone I remember still,
"/name/, you should fix the mess in your room. And in your head."
She always treats my slip ups like I ruined her day, she tells me I'm too slow, and that's true, but I can't change that. I just want them to be proud of me because I'm trying, but they don't know or see that I am....