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Need help to get out of stress and mental trauma caused due to getting bullied
4 months ago · · Mental Trauma,
I am 25 yr old Indian Male. I am a Muslim. I just wanted to shrug off d burdon from my head by writing my heart out here. I am writing anonymously bcoz I dont want to reveal my identity. So for God's sake, PLEASE READ IT COMPLETELY. I am a simple ambivert guy who is not very much social. Though I have my own friend circle n all but still I am somewhat reserved when it comes to getting socialised with people who dont live/ come in contact with me frequently. I am like that since my childhood. Not that I am rude with anybody ( never ). Also I want to say I hv always been emotionally and physically weak, weak in the sense compare to other boys/men. I dont know why but I could neither scold/fight with anybody verbally nor physically specially when it comes to defending myself. I would fight for someone else say my friend or family but couldnt do so when it comes to myself. I js go completely blank with tears in my eyes whenever something wrong or humiliating occurs with me. I hv tried many times to be strong n reply/fight for myself but could never do it. I js go silent whenever something wrong happens with me. I was always different from other kids/boys of my age. I was good in studies in school, I used to top my class almost every time. I think that was why all the problem started, boys in my area started thinking I was having attitude problem bcoz I didnt talk to them/ play with them more often. There was a reason behind this also, I used to play with boys of my colony once upon a time but they'd use bad language, abusive words, they used to fight every now and then, and as I stated earlier it was not in my blood ( to fight with somebody verbally/physically ) so I stopped playing with them as I was afraid. They started bullying me, not all but 2-3 of them, they laugh at me as I pass by them, they'd call me names. I had pimples on my after 8th std, they started to face shame me, they started body shaming me. They never came in front of me and call me names n all but they do it deliberately whenever I am going ahywhere n they see me. They laugh loudly after passing comments about me n my everything ( be it walking style, be it doing something, be it my talking style ) in short everything I do. There r 2-3 people who r mainly involved in this n I never talk to them but what hurts me the most n shatters me badly is sometimes the boys ( or can I say my friends ) who talk to me nicely, they also support them in all this. No one stands aginst them even after knowing everything. They also laugh at me, pass comments at me, n do all the things which they do whenever they r with these bulliers. I m again saying, they dont do this openly in front me but whenever they r in their group of friends they do this all loudly n indirectly so that I listen to them clearly n couldnt question them about it. They never take my name either, but I am not that much foolish to not sense their actions n whom they r talking about. I have no one whom I can share this with openly bcoz these bulliers never come out of their shadows when I m with my friends. And I dont know how to explain all this to anybody, I m not a child. I am a post graduate now. I cant even explain how much pain I went through in all these years bcoz of those people. Earlier I used to think all this is cooking of my own mind, that I m taking it on heart unnecessarily, that they will stop doing this one day with time. But alas, I was wrong they never stopped, whenever they used to get chance, they used to do the same and NOT EVEN ONCE I hv replied to them. Its been 10 years now, I am going through this trauma n I m handling it all alone by myself, I hv never told anything about this to anyone. I still act like everything is normal, but deep down only I and my Allah knows how much mental pain I go through. My confidence is collapsed, now I always remain concious abt someone wd make fun of me for whatever I do. I prayed to Allah many times that HE shows them right path but beyond that I cant do anything. This thing is eating me from inside. I belong to a respected n decent family. My family has never been involved in any dispute/ fight or anything like that. But those bulliers have the habit of fighting with anybody, they dont have any self respect n grace. And as I said they dont do all this openly, I cant go n confront them. They r so cheap that they dont stop bullying a mentally specially abled person who comes in our mosque. I cant explain the level of depression n mental trauma which I m going through right now. It has now become a routine. And I cant befriend them just bcoz they'd stop bullying me bcoz Alhamdulillah my principles r so strong that I wd die but wd never support people who do wrong with others. I never had fight with anyone ( not even once ), I never talk about anyone behind their back, I never showed any attitude whenever someone came to me for any help, I talk to everyone politely, be it people I know or people I dont know, be it smaller than or elder than me. I dont know if the same happens with others also or not but I literally feel burning with this pain many times. Maybe I am an overthinker but still when u go through same thing since last 10 years every other day, it becomes unbearable. Many a time I came to such an extent that I wished I better die than tolerating all this unnecessarily n continuously...You can imagine what damage it has done to me from inside. I never ever told this to anyone I swear, but today it became too much to hold. I js wanted to write my heart out. I am sorry if I am sounding like playing too much victim card but I can say by swearing to Allah that I have written each n everything 101% right so that whoever reads this should know that people like me exist n need help...plz if you r reading this then plz suggest me something which I can do to put an end to all of this...