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I wonder if it is me. I am bad, flawed, broken deep inside and I don’t even realize how it affects my relationships? Or am I being gaslit into this self-doubt? How do I know for sure if I caused this and created this chaos because of my own being and simply because I’m oblivious? Blocked. Mental issue? Or am I a manipulator? Do I want so much certainty and control that I am doing things that affect others, externally of myself and my own thoughts and feelings, without realizing it? Or do I realize and not care? Or am I being manipulated? Am I in an abusive relationship that is causing all of this self-doubt and questioning? I don’t know. I’m trying to figure everything out. Therapy and medication. That’s all I can do is fix me and focus on me. But why does the doubt keep creeping in? What if it is me, I’m inherently bad, damaged and there’s no hope? I don’t believe that. I want to believe that I will find a healthy person and relationship and be normal and happy but then is it me? Am I not healthy and normal and happy and that’s why this is happening? How do I stop this from happening again? This anxiety, shame, pit in my stomach, ball in my throat, racing heart, shaking hands, foggy blurry mind. Thoughts all over. Why? How? Why me? How do I make this stop? Why did this happen? What did I do? How do I make sure I don’t do this again? I only have control over me, but what do you do with a person who is out of control? How do I stay calm? How do I feel safe? What should I do to accomplish these things? How do I prevent this from happening again? I need peace: I want peace. I deserve peace. I need help to figure out how I get it.
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I don’t know you and I don’t know how to answer your questions. But the fact that you’re even asking these questions makes me believe you are a good person who deserves love and happiness <3
ReplyThank you, so much. Happy tears that I can’t stop from flowing. Thank you. Thank you!
ReplyI completely understand. I struggled with the same thing and I thought after the breakup that I would finally understand. I still don't, to this day.
All I can say is, try to research. Don't overanalyze yourself into a hole, like I did. We are all manipulative on some level, it is basic human need and does not mean you are a bad person. But there is a difference between influencing someone to go along with what you want, and destroying them mentally and emotionally from the inside out.
When someone is manipulating you, gaslighting you, terrorizing you emotionally... you start to wonder if you are the bad guy. You wonder if all the mean, horrible things they say about you are true. You lose your mind. Your sanity. You start to believe everything they say about you.
Most manipulators do not have the level of self-awareness that you do. Might I ask, was this person "out of control" before they met you? Do they have a past pattern of abusive relationships or a wreckage left behind in their wake? That may clue you in.
You might also be a little codependent/people-pleasing. I say this with the kindest intentions, as I am the same way. I want people to like me. But, one thing that can help you? Boundaries. Set them. Do not allow people to cross them. If they do, leave the situation/area and do not re-engage. If they continue to cross your boundaries, they do not respect you and that is a person you should not engage with. It only gets worse with people like that. They will walk all over you if you let them.
But you can get better, I promise. You are strong, you will be able to make it out of it. I believe in you, we all believe in you. You are far from the only one going through this and you are not crazy.
Also, I wanted to make a statement about peace. Peace is only something that can come from within us. Sometimes people want to get an emotional reaction out of you. I'll tell you something that has helped me, and I hope it helps you. We can feel our emotions without acting on them. Following this train of thought-- stoicism, in its original form, praised feeling emotion without allowing it to dictate your action. I have always been an emotional person and Stoicism helped me deal with people like my mother who always criticized me and made sure I knew I wasn't good enough for her. I just don't give her a reaction now.
I hope some of this was helpful, just know that you can get better, you WILL get better, and you are not evil or a bad person <3
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