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I would love to.
But I can’t.
I’m severely conflicted towards the point of feeling intense degradation of my self worth— or allowing myself to become vulnerable in order to trust another human. Whose mind works evidently different than mine.
The thing is, I WANT to confide into someone, I really do. I crave that sentence over anything in my life. I NEED somebody to listen to me, to be attentive to me. To care about me, I require validation.
But, I become deserted when I realise that I have trust issues and overcoming that is an obstacle within itself. I don’t want to trauma dump either. I don’t want to burden anybody. I have always dealt with sorrow alone, so why not do it again? And again, and again, and again, and repeat until I can no longer hold my sanity. No I don’t want to overshare, seem as if I’m complaining, embarrass myself, seem ungrateful. And even if I did share, I don’t want every one to know how I feel. I don’t want to regret sharing information because then they hold my most vulnerable episode right in their hands. I feel like I’ve lost control and now they have taken the remote. They can trigger me when they feel like it, switch my emotional channels on and off. Alert me. But then again, that’s my trust issues talking.
I wish I functioned normally, I wish I wasn’t so complicated. I wish I loved myself instead of just accepting my fate. I wish, I wish, I wish. Because that’s all that I’m capable of.
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if you feel like you can't trust anyone, im guessing its because someone has used your vulnerabilities against you in the past. but maybe you can speak to a therapist or counselor so that it can stay confidential. but opening up to a friend can be so helpful and even help you become closer to that person too, but only if they're a true friend. sometimes you have to put aside your past issues if you want to start trusting people again. I hope that everything works out for you.
Replyi relate so much
ReplyI'm like you on confiding with others. I also find it difficult. I don't know how to solve it yet so forgive me, I am with you in solving this kind of problem. With this kind of problem, it's difficult to make friends because vulnerability can create intimacy. For now, I looked back into my deepest memories and found out what caused this. Maybe you should do it too. Mine was a childhood trauma that made me not want to be vulnerable in front of other people. It won't solve the problem but it's a start.
Reply