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College kinda sucked
1 week ago · · college,
I just graduated college in May and I feel pretty bitter about it looking back. I worked really hard to get into college and I'm so grateful to have gotten an education and now have the opportunities I'll have from my degree, it was a pretty sad four years.
I never really managed to make close friends. I guess I'm not a social butterfly, but also most of the other students were from rich families and I felt like I never fit in. I met lots of people and I could make people laugh and stuff but I never seemed to have much in common with anyone and never hung out with people outside of clubs and stuff. It was really depressing not having anybody to talk to.
I always felt like I didn't belong there, and it's very stressful to feel that way for four whole years. Whenever I left my room I was filled with anxiety that somehow I was doing something wrong. I was afraid of people noticing the little holes in my shoes and shirts. I doubt that I stood out that much but I still had this feeling like nobody wanted me there. I had a hard time finding other students who weren't rich. One time I met a girl from a family similar to mine but one day I saw on facebook that she had killed herself. I didn't know her well but I know being surrounded by rich people upset her a lot in the way that it upset me.
I definitely developed a lot as a person in those four years, but I feel like I sacrificed a part of myself in all my attempts to fit in and understand my classmates. And now I feel out of place when I go home and talk to my old high school friends who never went to college or dropped out. Now I'm the one who's been hanging with rich people for four years and I don't know what it's been like for everyone else.
In college, I never managed to experience any kind of romance. Maybe this is silly, but I've realized that whenever I felt interested in a girl, I would stop being interested when I found out she was rich. Or at least I would stop trying. There was something scary about it, or maybe I thought a rich girl would never want to be with me. It was a subconscious thing, and doesn't make that much sense.
I had a huge crush on one girl though. And that crush never went away. There was always some reason I couldn't ask her out or admit my feelings to her, or maybe I was just making excuses because I was afraid. And now that I've graduated and moved away, I lost my chance, probably forever. At the moment, that's what upsets me the most. I liked her more than I liked anyone before.
I should move on but I think about her more than anything else, every day. I really wish I had tried harder to become close to her. She was my favorite person I met at college. She was one of the smartest, and by far the nicest. Maybe I care about her so much because she was so sweet to me at a time when I was so lonely. I try not to live in the past, but I think about how if I had actually taken a chance of trying to be with her, maybe going to college woulda felt more like it was worth it.
I feel like my problems are petty, considering I'm so fortunate to have graduated from college. When I started college, I was happy and I felt like I knew exactly who I was, and now I feel really lost and a lot of stuff seems meaningless. 18-year-old me never woulda saw that coming. I guess I just feel like I don't know who I am or what my purpose is. Sorry for complaining.