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And I couldn't answer. And when I called back, it went straight to voicemail. I left my message, feeling my heart crack. The hope that flourished and rained through me in that moment, after feeling it dry up these past few weeks-- it was immense. And now it is sloshing around inside me again, uncomfortable and beautiful and terrible. But you didn't call back. Was I blocked? Did you change your mind? Were you drunk? Was it an accident that you called at all? Was it a friend (or you) playing some cruel joke?
I am not sure I'll ever know. And here I am, praying again that you'll call again. And then I ask myself why. This isn't even where my mind should be right now. My grandma died. My family is here. And you are not. And it doesn't appear that you want to be. Doesn't appear that you ever cared about me at all. Why do you occupy so much of my mental and heart space when you have been so reckless with my heart? Why can't I just let this go like you have let me go?
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