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//rambling about suicide, definitely graphic, proceed with caution//
changed my mind i'm suicidal again. ha. a couple years ago i made a plan to kill myself after i turned 18. after a while i decided i wouldn't do that. i decided i would be able to do it - life. i've had ups and downs but eventually promised myself that i would not kill myself because even when life is terrible the world is still beautiful enough to stay. and i stuck by that, even when i had slight suicidal thoughts. but i'm not so sure now. things were supposed to start getting better. they're getting worse. i don't have a future. plans back on, i'll kill myself after i turn 18. so i don't have to deal with the pain of life after that. it's funny, when i first made that plan a couple years ago i decided to do it after my 18th birthday because i would have graduated and become a legal adult and there would be nothing left for me, i had done everything i needed to do. well, now i'm probably gonna have to kill myself without having done everything i needed to do because i seriously doubt i'm gonna graduate on time. so i won't even get to have that sense of accomplishment when i go. oh well. i haven't decided how i'll do it yet. i'll definitely leave a note, a verrrrry long one. i'm a very wordy person, it's definitely gonna be super long. i'm not gonna shoot myself, i know that. i might hang myself but what if i mess up and i'm either in pain before i die or i end up suriving with a bunch of damange? i don't want that. and i don't want someone to have to find my body like that. so actually, i won't hang myself. i don't wanna poison myself because that would be unpleasant. i don't think i wanna overdose because i want to have a clear mind when i go, though i might change my mind about that. i don't wanna drown because even though there's no actual pain, there's the sense of panic. i might jump, i think that would be nice. getting to rush through the air and see the world go by me. or i might do carbon monoxide, that's easy and painless. but it has to be in an enclosed space. or i might let myself bleed out since it's not painful other than the sting of cutting your wrists to let the blood out. although the sting from the cutting might be undesirable. i could always numb my wrists first, though. i could numb them and then cut them and then oooo i could go to one of the spots i like and relax and listen to music. i think i'll do that. i'll do it at night, i love nighttime. i'll go to a place i love with a blanket and a speaker and whatever i need. i'll numb my wrists and cut them and listen to the music and the world around me. look at the stars. tell the earth i love her. feel the warm blood running down my hands. feel the life drain from me. and then i'll be gone. i like that plan. i love my backyard, that would be a nice place to die, but unfortunately i can't because the last thing i want is for my parents to find me. i don't want anyone i love to find me. honestly, i don't want anyone at all to have to come upon my dead body, that could be traumatizing, i would feel so, so horrible if i did that to someone. i have an idea! i already said i was gonna bring a blanket, which was so i could curl up on it and be comfy. when i feel really lightheaded and i know i don't have much time left, i can cover myself with the blanket and put a note on top that says "i am dead, don't lift the blanket, call 911" or something like that. i would probably have to leave my head sticking out or something though so someone even notices a person there. the head alone could still be terrible so maybe i wouldn't leave any part sticking out. i think i'll stay completely covered. i'm sure a covered body would still be awful to find but it's a hell of a lot better than an uncovered one. i also feel really sorry to whatever cop or medic or whoever comes, i realize it must suck coming to a dead body. i'm sorry. i really am. i just can't do this, and i couldn't let my family or friends find me. i feel really horrible about the aftermath people would have to deal with: the people that find me, emergency services that respond, my family, my friends...i really am sorry but i can't do this. i've tried. i've fucking tried. things just get worse anyway. i guess i would have my suicide note with me? and then authorities could pass it along to my family and then they can pass along what i wrote to people i love outside my family. that all seems like a good plan, i think i'll do that. i'll think of more details in the future. i have lots of time, i have a couple years until i'm 18. wait...oh what the fuck. my 17th birthday is coming up. it's way closer than i thought it was. so i actually only have a little over a year, but that's still a lot of time. i have time to figure the rest of it out and also enjoy the world. and there's always the possibility i'll change my mind and not kill myself. i honestly do not see anything getting better anytime soon, only worse, so i doubt i'll change my mind, but there's a chance. all right, that's enough for now, i'm gonna go lay down and rest my mind.
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ReplyI know the future may seem uncertain, you may also feel like you have nothing to live for beyond that point. I don’t know how you are feeling or what situations have caused you to feel this way, but I want you to know that your feelings matter. While the future may seem bleak, it can also be full of life. I see that you feel that your time is limited, which is true for everyone. But if you truly feel this way, why do you need to put an exact timestamp to it. No one knows their future, no-one knows their death date. It’s a little pointless to set the date yourself when nothing is set in stone . I don’t mean to be harsh in any way, but I want to show you that you might be limiting yourself to such a short amount of time. Do whatever you please because you don’t know what the future brings. Don’t let this pressure weigh you down. You want to enjoy yourself with your family with the time you have left on this planet , so instead of worrying about the future, about when you die or how you do it, try to live in the present. You will only die when it’s meant to be so you shouldn’t be so focused on how, where, when and how it happens. Death is one of the rare few things we can’t plan for. Sometimes, it’s not whether things get better or worse, it’s just how we try our best to get around the challenges. I believe we are never tried with something we cannot overcome.
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