Tw: sa (sorta? Idk but could def be triggering)

OMGGGG I just figured out why I willingly have sex with my boyfriend even when I don't want to. it's because I never cry and I haven't really been feeling anything recently. when I let him touch me (etc.) even when I don't want him to, it makes me feel. after it happens I go and cry but I make sure he doesn't know. It allows me to feel enough emotion to cry and let everything out that has been building up since the last time. I just realized this and I've been so confused as to why I know I don't want to do some things but I do it anyway because it somehow makes me feel better after. now I know why omg, its because it lets me feel something wow

I know I shouldn't let that happen but still. I don't know how to replace it with something healthy. I use it as my coping method. I need to feel. I feel like I made my boyfriend seem questionable here so just to clarify, I swear he's not pressuring me or anything. Everything is fine except for this. He is very nice to me and never does anything when I actually do tell him to stop. I don't always want him to not touch me. Sometimes I do want it. Atm I'm just talking about the times when I don't, but let him anyway.

I really hope he doesn't notice what I'm doing because I think he might be starting to. I feel bad for lying to him but I don't know what to do. I should just stop letting him do the things I don't want him to but I can't motivate myself to say no. I really don't know why. Part of it is ofc the feelings bit but other than that, I have no idea. Do you think that's all it is? Is it something else too? Why do I do this??? How do I stop??????? Also, is this considered self harm? Someone else said it was..

((My first language is French and I've never really written anything so long in English so I'm sorry if it's a bit jumbled 😅))