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I've been in constant mood fluctuations or as long as I can remember. Been through with trying to harm myself - tying my neck to know how long I'll try to escape to breath, biting habits when I'm anxious, even cutting my wrist to get a glimpse of that oozing red tint and hiding it as I wore my long sleeves. I'm utterly lost right now. Friendless. So... I tried going trough a pen pal app, to at least keep my sanity at bay with communication. Someone died. I felt numbness intead of sadness. I've tried helpful sites for years, even tried helping other people too. Nevertheless, I'm back to square one. All the time. Every time.
I've been jobless. And losing sight to what I really want. Not that I've had known it from the beginning. I just want to know my purpose. To bring back that gushing passion that I used to have. At least when it came to doing things that I enjoy. Is it just me, or is the world collapsing, just as I am about to collapse on my own.
I'm an addict (not on drugs/alcohol tho), who've just had a relapse. I blundered the interview, not expecting the massive interception of the technical difficulties. I want an ear to listen to me. I want a friend. Someone's who's willing to be with my side during my downfall because I'm a total mess. And that's the truth.
I've taken notes and they're all filled with bad thoughts. I apologize to the Almighty because I'm just a sinner like the rest of humanity.
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Whoa! This stuff is true for you as long as you believe it is. Change your mind and you change your life.
Thoughts, all of them come and go including these you just shared. They all need the energy you willingly give to them to stick around. After offering your attention, if you add some deep meaning, an elaborate story, and or some emotional reaction, the thoughts get super charged with enough energy to be your constant companion - staying longer and returning often.
You are not your thoughts. Their arrival does not make them legit or your creations. You are the gate keeper who decides which ones deserve and will get your considerations. There are ways to become an effective gate keeper. I know it can be done if you will put forward the effort. I will help you start if you are interested.
ReplyHow do you do that?
- the guest who've written this
ReplyThere is almost always a conversation going on in someone's head when they are not actually talking to another person. Things like reviewing a past experience, both good and bad ones, and commenting on it - anticipating a future encounter with someone and having that conversation in your head now - commenting to yourself about a current concern, worry, or a bit of anxiety.
The stuff you communicated here is what you say to yourself probably over and over. Its what people do. This self-talk is very common and normal.
Not only are you not your thoughts, you are not your mind. You have a mind and it is a very useful and powerful instrument that can and should be managed. Take a moment now and just watch the thoughts that show up and leave in your mind. You are the awareness that is doing this watching.
Have you not noticed that some thoughts leave almost as fast as they arrive because you offered nothing - no attention at all. These thoughts were treated like they were presented in a language you do not understand.
So you have plenty of thoughts that are not helpful right now and this can't be prevented and these thoughts can't be forced to leave. There is a way that they can be looked at but lets come back to this.
You probably don't have a lot of good thoughts showing up so lets address that. I'm sure there are a few really wonderful things you would like to help make happen in your life - 2 or maybe 3 things. Write a real brief description about each - a paragraph or 2. Edit these summaries to make them clear and concise. Keep them close. Read them often (at least daily). Now when a thought arrives that might help move you toward these outcomes, pay attention, get excited, add a story, use your imagination and see this thing happening, and if an action from you is initiated, that is even better. Remember, these are the most wonderful things you can imagine happening in your life. Give this thought all of the energy it needs to persist and return again. All thoughts, both good and bad, get super charged when you offer your attention and emotional reactions.
As I said the unwanted, unhelpful thoughts will still show up and quite often initially. When one does, just let it be there in your mind - observe it without adding an opinion, some deep meaning, or a story. Observe it without any mental comments. Soon that thought will dissolve and will be replace by another, perhaps, unwanted thought. Is so, repeat the process. Eventually a thought will arrive that is worthy of your considerations about doing some routine but necessary task, dealing with a current situation, or one that supports one of those most wonderful things you have described. These thoughts are worthy of your attention and supporting actions.
This is plenty to get you started. If you want to feel better about life and to have more rewarding experiences, you have to do the work. I'll be here if you need me and I have a lot more to offer.
ReplyThank you for your reply. I appreciate it a lot. It was on point on how you've stated that most of my thoughts have been bad lately. Perhaps, during my school years, all the works and deadlines were my distractions that such thoughts would leave promptly. However, this past months or maybe a year or so - the first thought that comes to my mind is usually along the line of "I want to die." or in a similar way of "I'm tired." I have tried reading a self-help book, and it did managed to work some of my gears, albeit futile as it was short lived. I will keep it in mind to do the things you've suggested. Hopefully, your end is faring well. Thank you again.
ReplyHello there. I also do not know if there is a way to get out all of this. In a way, I can sense your feeling. I have been losing my interests. It could be because at first, I was only trying to take care of my loved ones and I did not care about myself. My loved ones have been telling me to find what I like. But in such a long time without asking myself stuffs like that, I still don't know how to do.
I do understand the feeling whenever any bad things happen to you, you will go right back to the feeling like there is just you in this world. It sucks, right.
I wish someone could understand our feelings. I know there are people out there. But if you want, you can talk to me too. I also need a friend to get through all of this. So, be my friend? If you want.
ReplyHello, I'd like to be your friend. It's absolutely devastating to not have someone by our sides. Maybe you can go back to the things you like before for starters. We can't really go out right now because of the virus, but whenever everything was overwhelming, I usually go out for a walk or cycling. Some countries are normal or have low rates since their people are fully vaccinated and if you're a citizen in those countries. Maybe, you can try what I used to do.
For now, I'm gravely struggling with finding a job I'm passionate about since money is important in terms of surviving. Hopefully, your settled in that matter. As bad as it is, I like to binge eat sweet foods when I'm feeling blue and baking comes in picture since it's cheaper and you know it's safe for consumption in that way. Do tell me if you've find new interest that you might want to share.
ReplyHello there! Thank you for your reply. I just want to say that you are such a survivor. Thinking of how you have been through and sensing a little bit of your thriving really give me the passion to overcome such difficulties. Let's get through all this. I truly hope that you will get your dream job and somehow I have no doubts in that.
Just want to share a little bit with you. Even though I still don't know what I like. But I managed to find back my only purpose for all those years. I just realized that I still kept looking for it. But in the last few weeks or months, despite my original wish, I went on the wrong path to achieve that purpose. So, I will try to start a new one.
Thank you for being my friend. I'm here if you need me. And just want to say, I admire you after reading your replies.
Let's do it!
ReplyHello again, fellow human being. I'm glad to here back from you, especially when you have good news. Finding our purpose in life takes time and it's great to know that you're able to seek yours, despite taking a different route. I haven't taken a step in that yet, but I'm keeping my mind broad in other possibilities. Perhaps, taking a road without much footsteps will lead me to where I should be.
Your progress have made me more optimistic on my journey of seeking my purpose in life. Do feel free to share your accomplishments as we strive in this chaotic world.
I appreciate you taking your time in reading my woes as I've written this piece. Thank you for also becoming my friend here.
Let's both try our best together :)
PS: I've just realized your username, and I hope that you do not feel that way anymore.
ReplyMy mistake, my dear -- that's supposed to be hear* not here* on the second sentence. Sorry for the confusion since I sometimes mix some English words. It's not my first language.
Reply