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"Pain," I whispered. "Just one more."
I knew that whispering was noise and that noise would make it easier for me to get caught, but I couldn't help myself. I did it again.
Day by day would go by. I'd pretend like nothing was going on with me.
What else was I supposed to do?
I joked with my x-crush all the time. He had become my friend over the years and we hung out often at homeschool events and church (plz don't judge!) and we knew each other pretty well.
But then...
January of 2021 hit.
Some would say it was the best new year because of covid restrictions being lifted, but for me it was my breaking point. ....
Its just an experiment, I thought to myself.
Mom would call it demonic possession. I'd read about cutting in a book several years before, and at that time it freaked me out.
But now I was trying it for myself.
And I WAS freaking out.
Because it had just been a thought that came to my mind. We'd changed churches to one where ALL of the teenagers were rude. Mom wouldn't stop telling me how terribly imperfect I am and how I'm stupid and am a screw up. The guy I'd liked for years turned out to "grow out" of his liking for me. And I was just so so lonely. I couldn't tell a soul about my feelings... And sometimes the feelings became so strong that I couldn't feel anything.
And so I did it.
Blood formed from the fourth cut I'd made that first day.
And I liked how scared it made me.
So I kept it up.
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Other Perspective
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I looked in the direction of the bathroom door, feeling a strange hint of discomfort.
I'd just been a bit harsh on her.
I should've been softer, I knew.
The look on her face when I'd pushed too far was stuck on my mind.
I never meant to be terrible. I don't want to be the mean mother. Am I the bad guy, I wondered.
I just get carried away sometimes. I see her make a mistake and the next moment I'm yelling and calling her names.
But I ignored the feeling in my gut and I looked away from the direction of the bathroom where my daughter was.
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