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I used to think running away, like moving far away or traveling or being in a relationship would make me feel better but i just realized, while looking at my guy bestfriend and he asked me did i want to go on a trip to hawaii.. That i don't want a realtionship with anyone, atleast right now. But i do feel safe with him... And that traveling or moving away wont fix my problems. I tried so hard not to cry in front of him. I never had the chance to figure out what i want to do and i lost touch of me, i don't know who I AM. every choice i wanted to make was wrong, everything i liked was wrong, so to now be giving free reign but have lost touch with yourself and are programmed in a way that your parents and society thought was appropriate is HARD to break. I just turned 25, i suffer from a SAD, OCD, chronic depression and PTSD. All my life my favorite color was yellow, my favorite thing to do was dance and i was a "chatter box" my favorite color is black, i hate dancing, i prefer to read and write and i don't like talking to people... But that's what i was made to do, even to this day my mom still says she sees me as 15. I don't know what to do with myself, i don't know who i am.. Everyone asks me what i want to do or what i like to do or what i want to BE! and i freeze.. Idk.. I always think "what if what i pick they don't like?"
"Do i really want to do this?"
"I should just let them pick?" And as i soon as i do say something abd a person HESITATES. I wish i can snatch it from the air as quick as i said. Its like my whole world is crashing down and i 40 things flying through my head a minute.. And its mostly about how i LITERALLY could not have been more f@cking stupid to say that, then i try to change the subject or correct myself and they will reassure me telling me it was no big deal.. Because what felt like 30 minutes in my head that had passed was only 30 seconds.. And i feel even more embarrassed because i freaked OUT looked crazy and made a big deal when i should have just been confident and sure in my choices.. Im sorry I'm rambling but i feel better getting that out.
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One day you will find yourself and be sorted. It might do you good to talk to a counselor or therapist.
ReplyOne day you will find yourself and be sorted. It might do you good to talk to a counselor or therapist.
Reply