My Unsent Letter

Dear Daniel,

You made me feel like I wasn't allowed to love anyone else. After all, as my first real relationship as it came to an end you told me no one would love me like you would. That hit hard, especially after realizing our entire relationship wasn't even real but much rather just you using me. I felt useless for two years because of you, like I was walking on eggshells every day because if I ran I'd fall through and crash.

Every word you said had such a horrible impact on me then, but years later I don't remember them but rather I remember the feeling I was left with. The way I would cry because I didn't understand, tears and snot suffocating me as I wished the day would just end so I didn't have to talk to you anymore. You hurt me in so many ways that hurt me more then you'll ever realize.

However, I wish no ill intent towards you. I just wish for a proper apology because you keep trying to snake your way back into my life but it's because you want things to go back to how they were. Even with an apology I wouldn't let you back into my life, you weigh me down too much. Emotionally and mentally, it's so painful to be around you that it's just unhealthy. Besides, I have too much to focus on since it is my senior year now.

I don't know if you'd be proud or mad that I finally have a boyfriend I feel comfortable with after you. When I'm with him, sometimes I forget we're even in a relationship or that the title is even important since it all just feels so natural. Even after all the whispers of how important we are to each other it all just feels like a nice joke between friends when it's so much more.

Even if I wish no harm towards you, sometimes I wish you would have still hated me like you always said you did. I always felt so uncomfortable talking to you, day to day and for 9 months that lasted until I got sick of it. Physically sick of dealing with you, I couldn't get out of bed for days. Mentally sick of all the snide comments and degrading things you would use to belittle me. Emotionally sick of all that you had tormented me with in those 9 months that weighed me down so much.