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1 month ago · · Relationships, · Explicit
so I grew up in a very abusive household and compassion & empathy was very much nonexistent. so being affectionate with partners is very much an uncomfortable situation because "I love you" to me means, I hate you, you disgust me, get away from me. and I've tried changing this mindset but I can't its imbedded into me. and saying it literally next to impossible for me because those words are just empty to me.
but recently (April of this year) my ex broke up with me (dated 6 months) and that's one of my longest genuine relationships because I've always "fake" interest. because grow up having attention that wasn't negative was like fucking christmas and so when people showed interest in me I just automatically dated them, until my affection problem would arise then that interest would make me severely uncomfortable. but this ex every time he said I love you it felt genuinely and it was for the first time comforting to hear and his attention was soothing.
my therapist is aware of my lack of empathy and how affection literally repulsive to me and she's been begging to text my ex and try to "patch" things up. because I still love him. (🤮 I can't lmaooo) or she's saying I should try to get closure. because or break up was very spontaneous and fast. and although its been like 4-5 months I still think about him everyday. but the big problem is I don't want to be THAT EX you know the one to text you and act like everything is jolly great because it isn't. so I don't know what to do.