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I think I'm... getting better?
1 month ago · · Optimistic,
So I just hopped on here fo the first time in 2 years and I found a few old private posts I made that I forgot about. One was a suicide plan, and actual plan of how and what logistic steps I would take. I dont remember writing it. I didn't even remember the method I had settled on. I still get invasive thoughts sometimes but genuinely forgot about that method.
Another was about a video I related to and sired a lot of emotions in me.
Here's the thing: reading through all that, It feels like its at a distance. Even more so it's reminded me that the key thing that was always making it so hard to go on was that I genuinely could not picture myself in any future steps. I couldn't see it it was all blank. I forgot that was such a big thing because now I can. I really see where I want to go. Yeah I dont have the answers or know the path but I can envision it and see it.
This is all so moving and comforting to me because I couldnt tell if I was getting worse. I genuinely could not tell if I was worse or was just that I could see myself better. (denial has always been a big road block in my mental health journey). But i am getting better! hell I've actually used the word depression a few times which is huge for me.
All this is to say: stay strong. It's a long and hard fight but you're probably making more progress than you realize.