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A lot to get off my chest about how I feel.
1 month ago · · Stress,
I have never openly talked about how I feel or about the things I have gone through. Sorry this will be really long and I have poor writing and there won't be a format for this I will just write it as it comes to mind but I really need to write all of this some where and hopefully it won't break any rules.
I decided to write this because I feel like I really need to cry and I am having a really hard time crying. Its a mix of a happy cry and a I need to let it out kind of cry. Hopefully writing it down will help me toward that goal.
A bit of information I am 28 and I am a trans-woman. When I was younger I was really shy and I didn't get along with others. I had friends but it wasn't the same type of friendship that some others might have had. My family was really poor so I couldn't afford a phone which limited the amount of contact I had with friends as I grew up(I didn't have my first mobile device until after I dropped out). Things were not so bad first through sixth grade. Things got really hard when I entered middle school and that is really where I started to lack friends and contact with others. I had this really bad form of anxiety where... everything I did my mind would question itself. It was like everything I had to do needed to be done a certain way to avoid attention from others. Opening the class door, sitting down to a seat, heck all the way up until about 3 years ago I was afraid to take things off the shelf at grocery stores. This was an absolute nightmare for most of my life since it kept me from doing things that other kids and adults were doing. Around 14 years old is when I started to get the idea that I was possibly not who I wanted to be. But I was very disconnected from the outside world so I didn't even know that being a transgender was a possible thing. So in the beginning I wrote it off as just being unhappy with myself. In my house emotions can be scary because my parents are really how do you say it... harsh when you cry or feel there is something wrong. There was also this thing that I was afraid of to do in my family called "relying on others". My family wasn't very good at being reliable. My parents had to rely on other family members and other family members were not very kind to us that even at one point when I needed to be hospitalized my sister wouldn't take us to the hospital without some form of payment... Relying or being vulnerable in my family was terrifying because it meant another chance for some one to be little me or take advantage of me. So around 10th grade a family member had passed away that was basically my connection to getting back and forth from school. Since I wasn't fond of school and I wasn't fond of others I decided it was just best to drop out. I never got my G.E.D as I had felt afraid of failing and looking like a fool.
Over a couple years I started to get really upset that I hadn't retained any friends from school. I had no contact with others and the thought of having contact with others even scared me because I had forgotten what it was like to know people in person other then family members. I slowly started to give up on life until I met this guy virtually. He was the first person to find out that I was trans-woman. We really hit it off and eventually we just started an online relationship. This was about 20-ish years old. We were together for 5 years... but after the first year that is when I stopped loving him because of the constant fights. We fought a lot over different things and the fights were really unhealthy. It would result into one night break ups every single day... Even though I acknowledged that I no longer wanted to be together with him he always told me "one more time we can do it because we love each other. About 3 years in I couldn't do it anymore and wanted to break up. But he didn't like this and this is where hell really started for me. He started to threaten me that if I would leave him he would harm himself. Everything I had feared as a child was coming to fruition. I was so scared growing up having a negative effect on others especially someone I had considered a friend and at one point more then a friend. I decided that his life was more important then my own so I stuck with the relationship. That same point in our relationship I had met another person this time it was a girl and we became really good friends best friends even. (I didn't have any love interest with her and she had none with me.) but we were suffering from the same issue of having someone that we were together with making us super unhappy. We supported each other all the time making the situation a little more bearable. After about 2 years (we are now on the 5th year) on christmas... this is where everything came down on me. I was helping my mother prepare presents through out the month I was super happy having a good day and for some reason I just stopped and dropped everything. The tears started to flow and I felt like I was dead. It was the most terrifying part of my life those seconds where I felt like I was no longer alive. I dropped to my knees and started to beg my mother for help. I was so scared because she knew nothing about me wanting to be a woman, nothing about my virtual relationship, nothing beyond the basics. I wanted everything to end in that moment. I started to tell her that I had done something wrong and that I didn't know how to make it right. My mother was very confused since I had never cried so much before as I was always reserved and she was afraid that I had broken the law or something. I spent hours telling her that I wanted to be a woman and that I had been in a relationship with this guy for 5 years and counting. I told her about how he treats me and how I can't escape. I had the idea that this was all my doing and that I was somehow wrong. I spent that entire day with my family talking about my feelings and what I could do to get out of the situation I was in and... that was just simply to let things be... not meaning that I should stay but that if he threatens me with self harm that I should just let him handle himself regardless of what happens. I sent one final message to him saying that I was leaving and that I couldn't do it anymore about a week after the whole crying because I needed to gather myself. I reached out to one of his friends and told him what I was going to do and to just make sure that if something does happen that he is ready to reach out to the proper channels for my soon to be ex. I didn't want him to harm himself but I couldn't do it anymore. I remember the first 6 months were dreadful because I would check my messages and my email to see if he would send me anything. Anything that would make me change my mind. I didn't want to be with him anymore but it was like my mind and my body was so use to it that I felt like I "needed him". But the friend I had mentioned earlier that I had met just broke up with her boyfriend as well getting out of the situation she was in and she really helped me stay away from going back.
But, all of this was leading up to the most important moment of my life. At 25 I became a completely different person. The anxiety that I had of being afraid of everyone and everything suddenly became cured. I was no longer afraid of being in public. My parents accepted me for me and I started dressing the way that I wanted I grew my hair out and I do everything that normal people do. Its embarrassing to say that currently I am 28 I am a bit old and still don't have physical friends because I don't know how to put myself out there. But 2 months ago I decided I have lived in this old city all my life... and that its time to move on. In October I am leaving everything behind and moving all the way across the country to meet my friend for the first time. I am scared but.. thinking back to all the years I suffered at the hands of anxiety and others... its a different kind of scared its excitement and tonight I cry to release myself from everything in my history and to no longer allow it to drag me down.
Thanks for reading and hopefully I didn't write anything that broke the guide lines. I rushed a few parts but hopefully everything is still understandable. Good night.